Monster, how should I feel?
by bleach-freak45
Summary: He's a monster, and he's my savior, I want to love him but what if he destroys me even more? Shizaya future lemon, hints of IzayaxMikado and KidaxMikado in future chapters but is ultimately: Shizaya. AU, inspired by the song Monster by Meg&Dia.
1. Prologue

**New Shizaya story, this is AU, so there will be: OOCness, YAOI :D~! violence, blood, self injury, abuse, maybe some drug use and alcohol and if anyone wants a lemon in later chaps let me know cuz I might do one. **

**This is a kind of a songfic, it was completely inspired by the song Monster by Meg and Dia, I'm sure a lot of you have heard it, but if you haven't you should really look it up, the remix is amazing to.**

**This is the prologue, if anyone wants me to continue please review.**

**Oh, and I don't own Durarara or the characters.**

**No flames please.**

**BTW: here's a better summary: Izaya is a victim of abuse, rape and bullying, Shizuo watches his behavior change year by year, when Shizuo finds Izaya being bullied on the rooftop, he saves him and they become friends, their relationship will progress and Shizuo will found out all about Izaya's life. Ugh,..its so complicated, just keep reading and you'll find out what I mean.**

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**~Prologue**

It wasn't his fault, no he didn't ask for any of this, his arms didn't wish to be cut, his head didn't wish to be bruised, his ankles didn't wish to have nasty burns on them, his heart didn't wish to be broken, and his wrists hadn't meant to be slashed.

But, it happened, fate was a cruel bastard.

Izaya lay peacefully and almost frighteningly still, his breathing slow, each breath taken in and out to match the beeping heart rate on the monitor attached to him. Bandages wrapped on each of his wrists, the cut on his forehead bandaged up as well.

He didn't deserve this.

I swallowed my regret and walked inside the room, my heart rate quickening with each step.

Rose in hand, I strolled over to the still bed and rested the rose on the table beside his bed, taking a seat in the chair next to him I looked him over.

Sadness rose in my heart, he looked so broken, so fragile.

My heart leaped when Izaya's empty eyes slowly blinked open.

His head turned slowly, he looked up at me, his stare blank and confused, his lips parted as if he were about to say something.

I leaned forward, eager to catch whatever it was he was about to say. He took in a breath and then scrunched his face up in pain, his teeth gritting together as tiny waterfalls fell down his pale cheeks.

"S-shizu-chan..." he whispered.

I leaned forward even farther and pressed my lips to his cheek, trying to kiss away those awful tears.

Izaya's body wracked with painful sobs as I wrapped my arms around his frail body, he leaned into me, his scarred arms coming up to wrap around my neck possessively.

After crying for a few minuets, his breathing slowed and I assumed he's fallen asleep, but when I tried to lay him down he grabbed me firmly, keeping me in his grasp, his arms almost choking him in the desperate hug.

Izaya had a terrible fear of abandonment.

He calmed down a little bit and buried his fingers in my hair affectionately, I sat there softly rubbing his back, trying to relax him.

Izaya nuzzled his nose into my neck and then he spoke.

His voice was hushed, almost like a whisper.

"Monster..." he whispered, "How should I feel?"

I pulled away and looked into his eyes, wishing desperately I could put some light back into those beautiful red orbs.

I smiled at his lost face softly and pressed him against me.

"Loved."

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**Well, thanks for reading, this was more like a preview than a prologue, well anyway please review and let me know if I should continue, I wont continue if I don't get any feedback.**

**PLLEEASSE review~!**

**Love to all~!**


	2. Chapter 1

**New Shizaya story, this is AU, so there will be: OOCness, YAOI :D~! violence, blood, self injury, abuse, maybe some drug use and alchohol and if anyone wants a lemon in later chaps let me know cuz I might do one. **

**This is a kind of a songfic, it was completely inspired by the song Monster by Meg and Dia, I'm sure a lot of you have heard it, but if you haven't you should really look it up, the remix is amazing to.**

**Please read, review, and enjoy~!**

**Oh, and I don't own Durarara or the charecters.**

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I remembered seeing him around school when we were kids, he was a lot different back then. He looked alive, his eyes bright and joyful, a reddish color that burned with over excitement and passion.

Sometimes he was so happy that it seemed fake, or it made him look insane.

I never spoke to him, I was never the type to be social, but I examined him from afar.

Day after day I watched him, sometimes he noticed me staring and threw me a cheery smile.

I just stared at him unmoving, he would turn away and continue to bounce around like a little boy.

That was in elementary school.

Middle school is when I started noticing the changes.

_His little whispers, love me, love me._

It was the first year of middle school, the first day.

I sat at my desk at the back of the class alone, I had friends, I just wasn't with them all the time.

I waited and stared at the door. Waiting for him to walk through

I almost didn't recognize him.

_That's all I ask for, love me, love me._

His usually well kept hair was ruffled and messy as if he hadn't had time to brush it in the morning, his pale skin was paler than usually, dark circles beginning to form under his eyes.

He looked thin and worn out.

He wore long sleeves and long pants, out of uniform.

His eyes weren't empty, but distant, like he wasn't all there.

His gaze shifted to me, his cheery smile looked more fake than usual.

_He battered his tiny fists to feel something.._

That was the first day we talked. He strolled forward, he looked thin, his arms and legs covered completely by his clothes, an outfit that was very unfitting in the middle of summer.

"Ohayou Shizu-chan~!" he said to me, banging his hands down on my desk, unnecessarily loud.

I flinched away and looked up at him, his voice sickeningly cheery, I saw right through it.

"Hello Izaya..." I said cautiously.

I studied him, he looked unhealthy. "Why are you wearing long sleeves?" I asked, "It's hot outside..." His well kept fake smile faltered a just a bit, and was then plastered back on his face just a quick as it left, something that most people wouldn't pick up but I was very perceptive. He shrugged, "Just what I like to wear Shizu-chan."

I was fooled by nothing, his little act of happiness had not affect on me. Most people chose to believe it, but I wouldn't be so ignorant. My gaze fell to his covered arms and lingered there for a moment, Izaya flinched and moved him arm beside his back when he saw my eyes on them. He shifted uncomfortably and said a quick goodbye as he ran over to his big group of friends.

Despite how fake his act was, he was actually a very good liar. To anyone that hadn't been watching him as closely, he would have seemed like a perfectly happy person.

Sometimes I questioned myself, I wondered why I watched him so closely, it wasn't like we talked much. I guess in some way you could have considered us friends...not really sure, he hung around sometimes with me and my close friend Shinra.

_Wondered what it's like to touch, and feel something._

As the years passed Shinra and I had started hanging around him more. We weren't close to him, we never really hung out anytime after school, it was always during lunch or in between classes.

I spent most of my time trying to figure him out.

I wasn't all that concerned, I was questioning his health, but I never worried over it.

Why should it be my problem anyway?

That was, until we entered high school.

Over the summer breaks we had I usually saw Izaya around town, sometimes Shinra and I would meet up with him to eat lunch or something.

But, this summer I hadn't seen him at all. After the first week or so I just figured he was on vacation or something, but when it seemed as if he had just disappeared I began looking for him around town.

When school came around I sat patiently, waiting for his messy black hair and fake smile.

When I saw him my heart lurched.

He walked through the door, long sleeves and long pants looking even baggier on him considering how much weight he had lost.

He looked as if he hadn't eaten or slept in a few day, his skin was pale, his black hair messy, dark circles under his eyes.

His eyes.

They were...dead.

They were just blank, and empty, like there was nothing there, no feeling.

Numb.

And what shocked me the most was that he wasn't bothering to cover anything up, his fake smile was gone and replaced with a blank look, not exactly a frown, but something that said he hadn't smiled much in the last month or so.

His shoulders were hunched, his eyes fixed on the ground as he walked in slowly, looking around him uncertainly. His looked frightened.

I got up and grabbed him by the arm, "Hey." I said.

He gasped and flinched away from me, his eyes turning wide before he realized it was just me.

His expression smoothed out as he looked up at me, "Oh...hey Shizu-chan."

His voice was quiet and shaky.

I looked down at him, my hand still gripping around his tiny arm. "Izaya...where have you been?"

"Away." he stated coldly trying to yank himself away from my grasp, his face scrunching up in pain as he tried.

I let go of his arm slowly and walked away from him, deciding to let it be for now.

I let it go for a few days. I figured that it wasn't my business anyway and I was in no position to ask him what was wrong.

So I left him alone for awhile, it wasn't all that hard, we never talked to each other all that much anyway.

I was doing pretty well at keeping myself distracted from him, that is, until one morning.

I had gotten to school fairly early not many people were there. Having forgotten my books yesterday I decided to go in and do my homework that I hadn't been able to do. I strolled into the darkened hallways yet to be illuminated by the classrooms, my footsteps echoing in the empty hallway.

I jumped when I heard a loud thud coming from the boys bathroom.

I brushed it off and continued walking towards the classroom._ Must be the janitor..._ I thought.

Another thud was heard, along with a whimper and a sob.

_OK, so maybe its not the janitor.._

I turned and made my way back down the hall, my curiosity getting the best of me. I pushed open the door surprised to see the lights still off. The sound of suppressed sobs and shallow breathing filled my ears, the scent of blood assaulting my nose.

My eyes widened a bit, blood?

With a trembling hand I quickly switched the light on, my heart stopping at the sight in front of me.

Izaya stood over the sink grasping the edge of it tightly, blood covered his hands and a bit was smeared on his face, tiny droplets of it were scattered around on the white tiled floor.

He was shaking, his eyes wide with fear as he stared up at me, tears running down his pale face.

I looked at him for a second, not sure what to do, but was jolted out of my thoughts when I heard something fall on the floor.

Laying at his feet was shiny razor blade.

And it was covered in Izaya's blood.

_Monster, how should I feel?_

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**Thanks for reading, please review!**

**remember this is an AU story, meaning its and alternate universe, as in not the same Durarara story line**

**pllleaseee plleeassee review~~ they help me update faster!**

**love to all~!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, sorry for the late update, im not gonna have a lot of time to update with school starting up again, so I apologize if I start updating later, hope I dont loose my readers!**

**thanks for all the support I got last few chapters, hope to get some more great reviews~!**

**Read, review, and enjoy~!**

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**~Shizuo POV~**

"Izaya..." I whispered. He looked up at me, his whole body trembling, his ruby colored eyes shimmering.

The smell of blood hit me again and my gaze drifted to the blood dripping off his fingertips, the crimson liquid seeping through his sleeve that he had hastily pulled over his arms when I flipped the lights on. He was silent, and I was too.

I stood there just staring at him until a small whimper escaped his lips, jumping into action I quickly pulled some paper towels from the dispenser above his head and almost ripped his sleeve off to press the towels to his bleeding arm. Izaya winced a bit as his eyes met mine, he looked scared and he looked ashamed.

"Sh...Shizu-chan..." he whispered.

My gaze fell to the razor lying on the floor and then back to his face, "Why?" was all I said.

His eyes fell to the floor, sadness showing in his eyes. Without warning he snatched his arm away from me harshly and his sad gaze shifted into an angry glare.

"Izaya what are you-"

I leaned forward and tried to grab his arm, but he was already running out of the bathroom.

"Damnit.."

Before I left I cleaned the blood from the floor and out of the sink, my stomach churning with worry at the thought of him...cutting himself.

The metal glint of the bloody razor caught my eye and I bent down to pick it up, feeling its sharp edge in my hand.

I rinsed off the blood and stuck it in my pocket, my thoughts reeling as the bell rang for the first classes.

_Izaya..._

~**Izaya's POV~**

I ran.

Fast.

My arm was still bleeding as I clutched it to my side, the blood seeping through the Grey sleeve of the t-shirt I was wearing.

I mentally cursed myself for being so careless, I should have worn a black t-shirt, something that the blood wouldn't stain visibly, now I would have to throw this shirt out. The delicious burning started up again in my arm as I ran, embracing the pain I ran faster.

I was nervous, and slightly embarrassed. Was Shizu-chan going to tell anyone about this?

I doubted it, he didn't seem like the type of person to spread rumors.

Still clutching my arm I stopped running when I got close enough to our small apartment, hoping that Mairu and Kururi were still at school. Wouldn't want them to see me like this, they were still in elementary school, but they were just way too smart for there age and sometimes they skipped school. I climbed up the steps as quietly as I could, not bothering to pull my keys out, my dad was always to drunk to remember to lock the door.

But it wasn't like he cared about our safety anyway, always bringing drugs and alcohol in the house, which wasn't good especially for Mairu and Kururi, when they were younger I was constantly keeping them from getting themselves into that mess.

I pushed open the door silently, sighing in relief when I realized no one else was home. Pulling off my shirt I made my way into the bathroom and examined my arms.

They blood was dry and was starting to cake up on my arm, I ran my finger over the sensitive skin and smiled bitterly when the burning pain ran through my arm.

I had many scars on both arms, some of them old, come of them new, some were just tiny white lines, others were deep red marks that probably needed stitches at the time. I put my bleeding arm under the faucet and washed off the blood, quickly wrapping some bandages over the cuts to stop them from seeping through my clothes again until they healed.

I stepped back from the sink and examined myself in the mirror, bruises covered my upper arms and chest, my forearms covered in cuts and scars, my skin was too pale and I was really skinny, my ribs showing.

I looked...unhealthy.

I frowned at the thought, it was true, I was unhealthy. With a disgusted glare at myself I threw on a black long sleeved shirt, making sure to go outside and throw my ruined shirt in the dumpster before I went back to school. I thoughtt about staying home, but I realized I'd be bored out of my mind, out TV was broken and we didn't have internet, I guess I would just have to avoid Shizu-chan today.

**~Shizuo's POV~**

"Hey..Shizuo.."

Shinra poked me hard, jerking me out of my thoughts,

"Uh, yeah what?"

He looked up at me with concern, "Are you alright? You seem distracted."

"Yea, I'm fine." I lied. He gave me a look that said 'Ok, I don't believe you but I'll let it go for now'

I was distracted, I was worried like hell for Izaya, which was weird since we weren't all that close. Maybe it was just because we had known each other for so long, I wasn't sure.

The day dragged on slowly as I sat in class, not even listening to what the teachers were saying, my thoughts still focused on Izaya and the razor in my pocket.

Figuring it was completely useless to even try and pay attention I told the teacher I had to go to the restroom.

I figured I'd go and sit up on the roof and calm myself down. I was contemplating whether I should tell someone about this, but I didn't think it was my business to tell anyone..but did that matter when he was getting hurt?

I wasn't sure, I hadn't ever dealt with anything like this before.

The roof was usually empty, most people ate lunch up there, but during classes it was almost empty.

"Hey look its the fag!"

I stopped, what was that?

I stepped around the corner and saw a group of older students ganging up on someone, I glared at them, jerks.

One of them pushed whoever it was roughly, "Hey fag, I thought we told you never to come back up here." one of them said.

The person who I still couldn't see was silent.

"HEY! IM TALKING TO YOU!" the bully yelled, yanking the boy by the arm roughly and slammed him down on the ground.

The boy on the ground whimpered, but stayed silent.

I leaned forward slightly, the boy looked suspiciously like...Izaya!

My eyes widened in disbelief, the bully pulled Izaya up by the shirt collar and brought his fist back as if to punch him.

Izaya winced, as he tried to get away from the older boys grasp, a tears running down his faced that was now bruised from him falling on the ground.

Something inside me snapped, I couldn't stand to watch this happen. I ran forward and yanked Izaya out of the man's grasp, quickly pushing him behind me. The gang moved toward me the one who was holding Izaya tried to grab me, I grabbed his arm before it reached me and twisted it, a sickening crack was heard and then he fell to the ground with a cry. I looked up at the other bullies, grinning as they backed away slowly. I gave them a glare and they ran away, taking the screaming one with them.

When they were gone I turned to look at Izaya who was trembling behind me. I put a hand on his shoulder to stop him from shaking, he flinched and shut his eyes. "Hey, Izaya..." I said. His eyes were shut tight and his arms crossed over his chest.

"Izaya are you ok?"

OK, stupid question, of course he wasn't.

He was silent, but I saw tears beginning to fall down his pale cheeks, his body shaking as another whimper escaped his mouth that was shut tight. I sighed awkwardly put an arm around his tiny shoulders, I led him over to a bench and we sat down, he leaned into he shoulder and I shifted awkwardly, not used to this kind of position.

"Ya know you should have told someone about this..." I said, wondering how long this had been going on.

He glared up at me, his eyes glistening with tears. He shook his head. I shrugged, "OK, do whatever you want, but I might not always be there to protect you." I said.

He pushed me away from him, "Whatever Shizu-chan, you wouldn't understand."

Well that was true, but still.

I rolled my eyes, "I know I wouldn't, but how long has this been happening?"

"Can I have my razor back please."

"What?"

"Can I have my razor blade back?" he repeated. I looked at him, my mouth hanging open. "Hell no!" I shouted. He glared at me, "Why not? It's mine!" he protested.

I shook my head, "I don't care, I'm not giving it back so you can hurt yourself."

"Why do you care anyway?" he asked. I stood up and put my hand on his shoulder again, he shook it off. "That's a good question." I said, "I'm not sure, but I do."

"Well don't." he said, and then he stormed off.

I stood there for a second and then grabbed the razor from my pocket, I examined its sharp edge for a moment. After a second a pulled my fist back, and threw it off the roof as hard as I could.

_Monster, how should I feel?_

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**awww, well anyway, I'm not happy with this chapter, but please review to help me update faster.**

**Love to all~!**

**Please revviiew!**

**(is begging)**


	4. Chapter 3

**speacial thanks for Akai Mu Tsuki and all those who reviewed~! ^^ your reviews are great~!**

**But, back to business, im having a lot of setbacks, Ive been grounded and a lot or crap has been happenin, and school is gonna start up again soon so once again, updates will become less frequent :( But don't worry I'll try my hardest**

**Read, review, and enjoy~!**

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**~Shizuo's POV~**

The sunlight glinted off of the razorblade as it fell to its death, I watched it soar into the sky, its mettalic glint taunting me as it faded away.

I hated that thing.

Did it have the right to cut Izaya's skin?

No.

The stupid thing infuriated me and the instant I threw it I wished I had crushed it into tiny bits. Of course, I knew that it wasn't really the blade's fault...but still the idea of it just made me hate it.

I wasn't very familiar with the subject of...this..whatever you could call this situation, emotional distress? I wasn't sure, but I knew I had to talk to Izaya about it and for some strange reason I felt like I had to help him.

The question was how. Izaya was so darn stubborn it was almost impossible, how can you help someone who doesn't want help? I ran my fingers through my hair with an exasperated sigh and decicded I would just have to try and talk to him after school.

It was the usual, me, Shinra, Kadota and Izaya sitting on the rooftop, lunch was usually filled with just us chatting with eachtother, planning things for the weekend, the occasional fight, but otherwise rather peaceful.

Today was just too peaceful.

Almost no one talked, Shinra kept trying to make conversation with me, but my gaze was too fixed on Izaya. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't with the others around, and how did I know he wasn't gonna just run away again? Kadota kept looking back and forth between me and Izaya, his eyebrows raised.

Izaya quietly ate his lunch, his sad gaze fixed on the ground, like he was ignoring the hole I was staring through him. "Izaya." I said, three heads turned to look at me as I broke the silence. Izaya glared at me, "What?"

_Oh so you're ungrateful too?_

I narrowed my eyes at the smaller male, anger bubbling up inside of me. I snarled and threw down my lunch. Launching myself forward I grabbed Izaya by the wrist, I yanked him up from the ground and threw his small body over my shoulder, carrying him away from Shinra and Kadota who were starting at me wideeyed.

Izaya protested loudly, "Put me down you brute!" he screamed, his legs thrashing and his fists hammering into my back. I just grinned and kept walking, he was gonna talk to me whether he liked it or not.

I carried him down the stairs and into the building, deciding that the boys locker room would be a good place to talk. Izaya chuckled when he saw where I was taking him, "Oh no~! I'm so scared Shizu-chan~!" he teased. I rolled my eyes and kicked open the locker room door, locking it behind me and setting Izaya down on a bench. He glared up at me, "OK, now that you got me here what are you gonna do?" he asked. I leaned up against the wall behind me, my arms crossing over my chest, "I'm gonna make you talk."

"Talk?"

I nodded and leaned forward to grab his arm, his flinched when I pulled down the sleeve. I stared down at the cuts, they were deep, and red, some of them still a little bloody. It looked...bad. Izaya was blushing slightly, a shameful look crossing his face as he looked away from me. "Why do you do this?" I asked gently.

Yanking his arm away from me he abruptly stood up, "None of your business..." he mumbled. I glared, "Like hell it isn't!" I yelled.

"Why do you care so much anyway?" he yelled back.  
>I stumbled a bit, "B-beacause!" Izaya narrowed his eyes at me, "Because?"<p>

"B-because your my friend..."

Why did I care? I wasn't really sure myself...sure I had known Izaya for quite some time now, but we werent really close.

He tske'd and tried to push through me, I grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and pushed him back, "You aren't going anywhere and until you answer me." I looked him dead in his ruby colored eyes, my soft gaze meeting with his glare.

"Because it hurts." he whispered.

"What?"

He rolled his eyes, "I said I do it because it hurts." he repeated. "Let me see."

He looked up at me, dumbfounded, "What?"

"Let me see your arms." I repeated, a sudden wave of possesiveness shooting through me. He glared at me, "Are you kidding me? No!" he yelled putting his arms behind his back. Reaching around him I grabbed his right arm and gently pulled it in from of me. He gasped slightly when I pulled down the sleeve, his full arm exposed.

Pale white skin, decorated with deep red marks and tiny white lines, blood caking in different places, it was like...visual pain. Thats what I saw.

I looked down at the marks, Izaya squirming in my gaze. My heart lurched and my stomach churned as sadness and the overwhelming urge to comfort him flowed through me. Absentmindedly my finger came up to trace over the cuts, the surface of his skin was rough under my fingertip as Izaya gasped.

**~Izaya's POV~**

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Because it hurts." I whisper.

Yes, it hurts, it hurts so amazingly, I love it, it takes away everything else, makes me feel...alive.

"Let me see." he says, he stared down at me, his brown honey colored eyes boring through me. I wish he would stop looking at me like that, like he cares. I know he doesnt, no one does, I'm not worth it, they all pretend like they care, and then they throw you away, leaving you bruised and broken and all alone.

They were all the same.

That's why I trusted no one.

Not even myself...

I looked up at him, "What?"

"Let me see your arms." he says, possesiveness and something else I couldnt place in his voice.

My arms? NO! I wish he hadn't seen them those other times! It makes me feel...ashamed and embarresed, it was my secret, I didn't want anyone to know.

"Are you kidding me?" I hiss, "No!" I put my arms behind my back, like it would stop him from seeing them.

His arms wrapped around me for a quick second, a jolt passing through me as his skin brushed mine. He gently grabbed my right arm and pulled it in front of him.

I didn't stop him.

I gasped when he pulled down the sleeve feeling my cheeks turning red again, shame building up inside me. I felt naked when he pulled down the sleeve, my arm bare now, the cuts, bright red and deep, showing on my skin.

He looks down at the marks, sadness and shock crossing his features, his finger comes up to trace patterns over the scarred and damaged, rough skin. The sensitivity and pain rushed through me, making me shiver with fear and delight as his warm finger traced over my skin.

"Izaya..." he whispers, moving closer, caring and concern lacing his quiet voice. He pulls me closer and I stiffen. It all happened in a rush, my head was laying on his chest, his arms around my frail body. He grabs my chin and pulls my face upwards. I feel his warm breath on my face, his eyes boring through me once again.

My heart beats.

Once

twice

and then our lips are touching.

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**sorry if its too short :( im just glad I got this updated, please review and let me know what you think!**

**I love all my reviews!**

**Ill try to update as soon as I can, but for now please review!**

**Love to all~!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Two updates in one day are very rare, but I had some time today so here ya go.**

**Please read, review, and enjoy~!'**

**review? :D**

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**~Shizuo's POV~**

It happened so fast, but it happened oh so perfectly. His velvet soft lips were warm against mine and he tasted sweeter than any thing I could have gotten at the bakery. We lingered there for a moment, his chest pressed up close to mine, my arms over his frail body, his hands struggled for a moment, they lingered in the air above my waist for a moment, but when I deepened the kiss his arms locked tight around my waist.

My tongue lapped out and licked the bottom of his lip slowly, his lips parted ever so slightly as my tongue forced its way into his hesitant lips.

He made a small sound that resembled a moan as he kissed me back. Unfortunately we had to breathe.

We pulled away slowly after a few more seconds, his cheeks were flushed, his lips still slightly parted and his eyes still closed contently as we pulled away. He opened them slightly, his dark red orbs looking up into mine. A look of shock crossed his face, and then he did something unexpected.

He pushed me away hard, making me stumble, my back hitting the front of a locker. I caught a quick glimpse of him running out the door when I recollected myself.

Rejection and hurt washed through me as I watched him race out of the room.

And then the anger came.

Anger pulsed through my veins as my fist clenched and unclenched multiple times, the mixed emotions flowing through me.

I growled and spun around, my fist going through a wooden locker not even noticing the splinters embedding themselves in my now bleeding hand.

"Damnit..."

**~Izaya's POV~**

I ran.

I ran through the door.

I ran past the gaping students as I tore through the school.

I ran out the school doors and out into the streets of Ikebukoro.

I ran all the way until I got to the local park.

Panting I fell down on my knees.

My fingers found there way into my pockets, my pale fingers searching for the cool piece of metal that would make all of this go away. But I found no razor, mentally cursing as I remembered that Shizu-chan had taken it from me.

With a sigh I got back up onto my feet, my hand rubbing quickly on the cuts that were still slightly fresh, I sighed in relief as a slight burning pain coursed through my arm. I needed a razor, and I needed it now. My arm yearned for it, my body needed its pain, I need its pain.

I needed this to go away. This pain in my chest, this pounding in my head, these visions wont disappear on there own.

Cautiously I looked over my shoulder half expecting to see a fuming Shizu-chan running towards me. But there was no angry blonde rushing towards me. With one more glance behind me I took off running to a local dollar store, I had gone in there once and I knew they had a pack of this big razors for only a few bucks.

My heart pounding I ran into the store, ignoring the weird look I was getting from the young cashier.

Slowing my frantic pace to a brisk walk I made my way to the back of the store, my eyes seeking out the hardware section. Like a pro I picked out the small pack of razors, the tiny metal pieces glinted at my tauntingly from inside the plastic caging.

My hands almost tore them off the shelf, I took a small utility knife as well, so that the cashier would think I was buying these for the knife.

Wouldn't want to raise suspicion with anyone else.

I threw the plastic packages on the counter along with the money, surprising the young girl who was working there.

"Woah...well are we in a hurry?" she said, her hair hung down her back in a long brown and black haired ponytail, the ponytail swishing along her back as she turned to throw the objects in a bag.

I glared at her, "Yes, now just hurry up."

She chuckled at my rudeness and looked over my uniform, "Raira huh? Why aren't you still in school? Its only about noon..." she said holding out the plastic bag.  
>I snatched the bag away from her, "None of your business."<p>

She raised her hands in defense, "OK, OK, just trying to be friendly here," she winked, "It's part of my job kid."

I rolled my eyes and said a quick thanks, running out of the store and towards the apartment.

Thankfully Mairu and Kururi decided not to ditch school today, and dad was gone again, probably getting drunk somewhere.

I went into the bathroom and dumped the contents of the plastic bag onto the top of the toilet, I threw off my shirt and almost ripped open the package of razors.

I stood over the sink, admiring the cool metal lying in my shaking hand.

I brought the metal to my skin, and smiled.

**~Shizuo's POV~**

"Come on...come on..." I muttered.

Where the hell was he?

After Izaya ran off I was to angry to go after him, after a few more classes my anger had died down, and how I was worried as hell.  
>I knew what he was probably going to do.<p>

When the bell ran I raced out of the school as quickly as I could and went searching for him, I knew where Izaya lived so I was headed towards his apartment.

I wasn't sure if he would be there or not, but I had tried everywhere else, Russia Sushi, a few of the local stores, the park, and a few other places, but he was no where to be found.

Bad thoughts crossed my mind, I thought about him laying on the floor bleeding. What if he...

No.

He wouldn't...

but what is he accidentally hit a vein or something?

What if he bled to death before I could-

Pushing those thoughts out of my mind I tried to just focus on getting to his place.

**~Izaya's POV~**

Cut. Cut. Cut...

It's burning.

It's bleeding.

The blood...its so...pretty. Its crimson, its flowing from my skin, staining the purity of the white tiled floor under me.

Purity gone...

If I couldn't be pure...nothing could...

"_Izaaayaa..." _his_ voice purred, the dark room was filled with the scent of alcohol and smoke. _

"_N-no...please.." I whimpered. The corner...the corner...maybe if I run he cant catch me again..maybe if I-_

"_Ahh!"_

_He hits me hard, my small body falling to the floor. I curled up, my body trembling, tears leaking from my eyes._

"_SHUT UP!" he screams, I yelp again as his foot connects with the side of my stomach._

_I hold back a sob and scoot closer to the wall, trying to escape the man above me. I whimper, my body stiff and cold, pain filling me, my lungs screaming as I struggled to breath the thick smoke filled ear._

"_Get on your knees!" he demands._

_I shake my head violently...please...not this again...anything but this. "N-no.." I whimper._

_He grabs a fistful of my hair with his large meaty hands and forces me down onto my knees, "I SAID GET ON YOUR KNEES!" he yells, his voice slurring._

_I whimper again, tears coming freely now, my small body trembling._

I was only 6 years old when that started happening, when my father, if you could even call him that began to...

I shuddered at the memory, his touch was burned onto my skin, the feel of his disgusting fingers and his disgusting tongue still burned into my brain.

I still woke up screaming some nights, the memories just never seemed to go away.

I would never be pure.

Never, never, never, never...

Cut.

Another deep one.

I make a small sound in the back of my throat as the warm blood caresses my skin and rolls down onto the floor.

The memories start to fade until I can feel nothing but the razor burning.

"_Izaayyaa..."_

NO

SHUT UP

please...

please just...

My body lurches forward as a sob wracks through my body, the razor falling from my grip, splashing in a tiny puddle of blood with a small clank.

_KNOCK KNOCK _"IZAYA!"

I gasp and my eyes shoot towards the bathroom door.

The knock is coming from the front door, and I know that voice...

Shizu-chan..

no no no, he can't see me like this! no...no..

I wipe the tears from my face and quickly lock the bathroom door and turn off the lights in the bathroom.

Another pound.

"IZAYA OPEN UP THIS DAMN DOOR OR IM BREAKING IT DOWN."

shit..

I forgot that he was capable of that.

I curled up into a ball on the floor, squeezing my eyes shut.

Maybe he'll leave if I ignore him.

**~Shizuo's POV~**

I pounded on the door, I wasn't surprised when he didn't come to the door.

But I knew he was here.

Because stupidly he left his freaking backpack out on the front porch.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to breaking the door down, after all his parents lived here too.

With an angry grunt and another pound I tore the door off its hinges, the poor abused wood falling down onto the ground with a loud thud. Stepping over the door I stomped my way into the apartment and seeing no sigh of Izaya.

With a snarl I searched around, finally finding his black long sleeved t-shirt rumpled in front of the bathroom door that was closed, but I could see that the lights were off.

I gripped the shirt tightly in my hand and wiggled the door knob

Locked.

"IZAYA!" I yell pounding on the door.

Nothing.

_Crash!_

Another door gone.

**~Izaya's POV~**

_Crash!_

Oh no...he broke through the front door..

I heard him stomping through the small apartment, his footsteps stopping in front of the bathroom door as he reached down to..

MY SHIRT!'

Agh! Damnit! I left my shirt out!

Now he knows I'm here...

He wiggles the bathroom door knob and I squeeze my eyes shut as he breaks down the door and flips on the lights.

A gasp, and then silence.

I open my eyes slowly and cautiously, not ready to face him after him seeing me in such a weak state.

I hate feeling weak, but that's all I ever was.

He's frozen at the spot where the door was, I can see the wooden remnants of it resting behind him, his hand is frozen over the light switch, his wide eyes staring down at me.

I'm sure that I look like a bloody mess right about now.

"I..Izaya..." he whispers.

Weakly I use my shaking hand to prop myself up onto my elbows, my body weak and my head spinning from the blood loss.

I stare up at him, my mouth open, but not words coming from it.

And then I break down.

I lurch forward, my body wracking with a broken scream of anguish, my breathe coming unevenly. I was breathless, I was panting..i couldn't breathe, tears rolled down my pale face as I screamed and sobbed, my body shaking violently as I curled up.

I feel a pair of warm arms lift me up and carry me somewhere.

My head falls against something hard and warm, and then everything went black.

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**Reviews are very very appreciated, really need them and I really enjoy reading them!**

**Sorry, didn't have time to edit this so sorry if there's a lot of mistakes and errors, please feel free to correct them.**

**Reviews PLEEASSEE**

**love to all~!  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 5

**:D **

**the strangest thing happened to me today O_o**

**I was outside on the phone with my friend, and all the sudden two dogs came up to my fence randomly, no collars or anything.**

**One of them was jet black with reddish colored eyes.**

**The other was a yellow blondish color with golden brown colored eyes.**

**Shizuo and Izaya disguised as dogs?**

**Yes...i think so.**

**XD anyways, please read, review, and enjoy~!**

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~!~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!**

**~Shizuo's POV~**

When I first saw him, his fragile body laying in a heap on the ground, blood pooling around him and covering his skin in different places.

I panicked, my hand froze above the light switch, my body stuck in the place where the door used to be.

Was he...

My eyes widened.

My heart skipped a beat.

And then those red eyes opened.

I let out a gasp, my body twitching forward slightly. He props himself up and lifts his torso from the floor shakily, his body trembling. He looks up at me desperately with tear filled eyes.

Then his body lurches forward and he lets out the most heartbreaking scream I've ever heard. Tears fall like waterfalls down his pale cheeks as he shakes uncontrollably, screams and broken sobs screeching from his lungs as his fingernails claw at his arms, reopening the already fresh wounds.

His right hand seeks out the tiny metal object next to him.

Before he does I jump into action.

I jump forward and scoop him up in my arms, his eyes closing and his screams quieting as I do so. He lets out one more strangled cry and then his head falls against my chest as I carry him bridal style out into the hallway.

Kicking open his bedroom door I place him down on his bed gently and rush back into the bathroom, searching for bandages of some sort. Rushing back into his room with an armful of bandages and various antiseptic sprays from the bathroom I set them down on the bed. Izaya is passed out, his eyes closed shut, tears continuing to roll down his cheeks.

I look down at him sadly and stroke his hair lightly, my heart breaking for this boy.

Just what made him this way?

**~Izaya's POV~**

I woke the next morning with a fogged memory and a warm pair of arms around me.

Wait...pair of...arms?  
>I struggle to turn around in the strong grip my captor has around my waist, as I squirm I feel my captor's nose nuzzle into my hair softly, surprisingly I take comfort in the warm breathe I feel crawling down my neck.<p>

My hands claw at the strong arms around me, the captor seems to be awake as his hold tightens on me when I try to get up. "L-let me go!" I hiss, not sure if my "family" is here or not. The warm arms pull me closer, the embrace comforting and loving. The captor speaks, and then all the memory's of yesterday come flooding back.

He nuzzles his face closer into my hair and kisses the top of my head, my heart squeezing at the loving gesture. "Stop moving idiot..." Shizuo mumbles.

My eyes widen, "S-shizu-chan?"

He chuckles quietly, "Who else?"

I turn around as his grip loosens, his blonde hair is ruffled, his honey eyes boring into mine, a warm reassuring smile on his lips.

My eyes travel down to my arms that are now bandaged, the familiar scent of antiseptic filling my nose along with the scent of the blonde next to me. "S-Shizu-chan...did you do this?" I say referring to the bandages around my arms. His expression darkens slightly as he looks at my arms, but then he smiles at me again and nods. I blush, "Um...thanks..." I whisper looking away, he was so close to me now. His arms were still around my waist, my face only inches away from his as we shared the space on my small bed.

"Shizu-chan...did u...?" I whisper.

His smile wavers slightly, "Don't worry I cleaned up the bathroom for you, and your parents didn't even come home."

"What about my sisters?"

"They went to school, I made sure they got to bed," he says, he chuckles, "They sure are a handful."

I cant help but smile lightly at that, Shizu-chan was so helpful.

"So...where are your parents?" he asks. I stiffen in his arms, "I um...my dad isn't always home and I don't...have a mom." I mumble looking away, not wanting to get on the subject of my drunk rapist father and my dead mother.

_Dead..._

She died when I was four...

my father killed her

and I watched it happen.

Shizuo's eyes widened, "I...um...oh..." he stumbles, "Sorry..." he breathes bringing me into an apologetic hug. "H-hey Izaya?" he says and pulls away slightly, his eyes looking into mine again. "Hm?" I say, my eyes drooping again as fatigue took over me. He shakes me slightly, "Hey don't go to sleep...i gotta tell you something..." I groan and open my eyes again groggily, "Mmm...what is it Shizu-chan?"

His cheeks turn red as he stares at me and his mouth opens slightly, "Izaya..."

I roll my eyes and snuggle closer to him, "Just spit it out so I can go to sleep."

He bites his lip and blushes some more, "I..i like you Izaya...ah damn that sounds to stupid..."

I smile up at him, laughing at his comment at the end. "No it didn't...I like you too Shizu-chan." I say. I was surprising myself today, usually I push everyone away, yesterday if Shizuo had done this I probably would have run away, searching for my razor as I ran.

But today I was open to him.

Today...i realized that maybe...just maybe...i loved him.

That maybe, he could help me.

His eyes light up again when I say that and he blushes some more, I nuzzle my face into his chest and breathe him in.

"Can I sleep now?" I mumble.

He says yes and strokes my hair softly.

Just maybe...

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**Ah, sorry, it's short, I know...**

**I'll try to update as soon as I can!**

**Reviews would make me happy and brighten up my very sucky day :)**

**they also help me update faster :3**

**love to all~!**


	7. Chapter 6

**Haha my friend does a great impression of Shizou..**

**we were in Cooking class the other day and she kept screaming "IZAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAA!"**

**XD she sounds suspiciously a lot like him O-o**

**please read, review and enjoy~!**

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**~Shizuo's POV~**

I left Izaya sleeping that morning, and it took all my willpower to pry myself from him. My arms just fit around him so perfectly...and he was so warm...

I left his apartment with a soft smile on my face, happiness visibly showing on my usually scowling face. I was hesitant at first about leaving him in the condition he was in last night, but he seemed to be in a better mood this morning and for right now I trusted him not to do anything.

**~A few day's later~**

"Shizu-chan~"

I turn and catch Izaya in an embrace, his face burying in the front of my shirt. I smile to myself and hug him tightlyy, the past few days had been good, Izaya had brightenedupo and we had become some what of a couple...

He looks up at me, a soft smile playing on his lips, a blush creeping across his face. Shinra comes up behind him slowly along with Kadota.

"Ohayou~!" Shinra cheers patting us both on the shoulder.

I nod back to them and pull Izaya away but keeping my arm around his tiny shoulders.

**~Izaya's POV~**

The days went on, and it felt strange to me. I wasn't drowning.

I wasn't helpless.

Shizuo was there, and he gave me reason.

Every morning, despite the verbal beatings I took at home when I came to school and saw Shizuo's warm smile and felt his loving and comforting embrace I remembered that he was all I needed.

He was my reason, and even though I loved him, it scared me to death.

I'm not close to anyone, I don't trust anyone, and there's a reason for that.

In the end, I always end up hurt, bleeding and broken, that's all there is, blood, I am nothing.

That's what I was scared of.

Shizou, he's a monster.

But

he's my savior

and I love him, but what if he just destroys me even more?

Could I trust this man?

Class dragged on and I could barely focus on the lesson with Shizu-chan's hand creeping under the desk beside me and intertwining with my fingers.

My cheeks turn red at the gesture and I look over at him, he just smiles at me with that smile.

The one that sends my heart racing

the one that reminds me everything's OK.

The one that scares me the most.

Because I'm afraid that I'll lose it, and never see it again. It's just too perfect, to beautiful, so amazing. Like fine china, a porcelain doll, a fragile piece of glass that could shatter at any moment.

This whole thing, it's just too good to be true.

It cant be real..

but here it is, right in front of me.

_Monster, how should I feel?_

Please tell me Shizuo, how should I feel? Should I feel happy? Loved? Accepted?

Help me Shizuo, tell me what to feel.

I want to scream that, I want to scream until the everlasting confusion in my chest and head begins to fade.

I'm jolted from my thoughts when the lunch bell rings, and his hand leaves mine, and we leave to go to lunch, his arm draped around my shoulder's.

I hate when things don't go as I plan them to, or when things go the way I don't expect or want.

I hate it.

It just bothers me so much.

I did not plan on falling and spraining my wrist.\

but it happened.

And now I'm pissed.

It wasn't bad, it didn't even hurt all that much, I just tripped over something and hit my arm wrong. But now here I was, Shizu-chan taking me to Shinra's house afterschool.

"Are you sure your alright?" he asks for the HUNDRENTH time.

I glare at him, "Yes Shizu-chan, I told you I'm OK." I repeat cradling my injured wrist to my chest.

He looks down at me with worried eyes and intertwines his fingers with my uninjured hand. I smile lightly at the gesture and kiss his cheek quickly as we step up to Shinra's door, knocking on it lightly. "Ah~ Shizuo-kun, Izaya-kun~!" he says cheerily, "What a nice surprise!"

Sometimes I wonder if he's on pot or something...

Shizuo speaks first, "Ah well, on our way to my house Izaya tripped and hurt his wrist, we didn't know who else to go to.."

Shinra tells us to come inside and sit down while he goes off somewhere to get some supplies, Celty greets us with a quick tap on her PDA and then leaves.

Shizuo and I sit down on the couch and my wrist starts to throb.

OK so maybe it hurts a little...

Shinra takes my wrist lightly and his hand and squeezes and starts to look it over flipping it around.

"Pull your sleeve up." he says.

Sleeve..?

My eyes widen and Shizuo stiffens beside me, I snatch my wrist away from him quickly, "No." I say.

Shinra gives me a weird look, "I need to pull up your sleeve to examine it further." he says going to pull it up. I freeze as his finger pulls the sleeve over my arm and cast a worried glance over to Shizuo. Thankfully my wrist is flipped over on the opposite side, the underside of my arm facing away from him.

Maybe he wont...

"What the..." he mumbles to himself and flips my wrist over to the other side, his finger trailing all the way up my arm as he examines the marks, pulling up the sleeve further.

He looks at me, "Izaya, what happened?" he asks.

"I just got in an accident.." I lie quickly.

He gives me a 'You expect me to believe that?' look.  
>"Izaya..." he says slowly and then adjusts his glasses, "These wounds are self-inflicted."<p>

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**DUN DUN DUNNNNN**

**Heehee I need reviews please~!**

**Love to all~!  
><strong>


	8. Chapter 7

"Izaya." he said, the words leaving his mouth slowly, "These wounds are self-inflicted." I smiled lightly and shook my head, "Oh Shinra~ always jumping to conclusions~!" I said trying to hide the worry in my voice, "It's obvious that I just got in a little accident!"

Shinra narrowed his eyes at me and examined my arm further, "Izaya these cuts are going straight across your arm and they are too neatly placed to be accidental."

Damn him and his smarts.

I jerked my arm away from him and glared, Shinra reached out and tried to grab my arm again, a concerned look on his face.

"Izaya! How did this happen?"

I jumped up from my spot on the couch and narrowed my eyes at him, "None of your business!" I yelled.

My foot moved forward and I was fully prepared to run out the door when I felt a warm hand grasp my other wrist gently.

Shizuo smiled up at me comfortingly, his honey eyes glinting with love in the almost fluorescent light of Shinra's apartment.

My heart beats rapid pace slowed and I sat back down slowly, my gaze still locked with his.

All he had to do was smile at me like that. All he had to do was look at me like that, and I knew I'd be OK.

It was like he knew what made me tick, did he know how his smile affected me? Did he know that when he looked at me like that it calmed down everything inside me and made the pain fade?

Did he know how much I loved him?

I wasn't very sure myself...

Shinra gazed at me hard and then turned to Shizuo.

"...Shizuo-kun?"

silence.

He turned to me again, "Izaya?"

I was silent too.

"Agh~! Why must my friends be so secretive~!" He cried dramatically, "I'm hurt!" Shizuo glared at him and I rolled my eyes and Shinra's face turned serious again, his eyes sad.

"Izaya...is everything OK?" he said quietly. I didn't say anything. "Did you do this to yourself?" he said gesturing towards my arms which I quickly pulled my sleeve back over.

I glared, "Stop asking questions..." I mumbled. "Well what do you want me to do? Your my friend and I'm concerned!"

"Well don't be!" I yelled.

He got up from his seat across from us and reached towards my arm again, "At least let me clean them! They might get infected!" he cried.

I tsked and pushed my arm in front of him my gaze fixed on the floor, "Fine."

Shinra was silent after that, not saying another word as he cleaned the cuts and wrapped something around my wrist that was supposed to help it. He mumbled a friendly goodbye as we left.

When we were out the door Shizu-chan grasped my hand tightly and kissed the top of my head, "You okay?" he asked. I nodded, "I'm fine..." I said quietly, not wanting to admit that I was slightly embarrassed by what had happened.

I didn't really like the fact that Shinra knew about the cuts on my arm.

Even though I didn't necessarily mind that Shizu-chan knew now, I still didn't want people to know, it was my secret.

Mine.

I like having secrets.

"You want me to walk you home?" Shizu-chan asks. I shake my head quickly, "Can we go to your house?"

He looks taken aback, I hadn't been there but only a few times, and never stayed very long. Then he smiles, "Of course."

He was so kind to me now, and it bothered me.

Was he still the monster I once knew?

Surely he was, I know he was the same person, but people change when they are in love don't they? But...did Shizu-chan really love me?

Pushing the negative thoughts aside I tried to make myself smile for him as I intertwined my fingers with his.

He liked it when I smiled.

**~Shizuo's POV~**

I watched with satisfaction as he smiles slowly, even though I knew it was most likely forced it still made me hopeful. He seemed to be doing better lately, but I was still worried, he seemed unstable, like he was hanging off the edge and could fall any moment.

So I was careful with him, my hands being unnecessarily gentle with him, I was afraid that anything could break him.

So I was gentle, so gentle I felt as if his hand was just floating in mine, but still the slight contact of his skin sent jolts through my body. I look down at him and my heart jumps, his lips look so soft and he looks so amazing illuminated by the afternoon sun. I want to kiss him so badly, we hadn't really kissed since that time in the locker room, which hadn't ended well.

I was too afraid to close the little space between us, so I tried to resist the urge as we walked back to my house.

Thankfully no one was home at this time accept for Kasuka, who was probably out auditioning for something.

I swear he was gonna make it big one day.

I was happy that me and Izaya would have some alone time, which we didn't have much of, his parents were apparently really strict, at least that's what he told me, but he almost refused to talk about them.

Had I ever even seen them? I've only met his sisters a few times...

I wonder about his family sometimes, I wonder how they are, and I still wonder what made Izaya like he is.

Did it have to do with his family?

It was then that I decided to talk to him when we got to my place.

But...was he still shaken up by the whole thing with Shinra? That seemed to have hit him pretty hard...maybe talking wasn't the best idea, but I was concerned and I felt like I needed to know.

I looked down at his small form and noticed a strange mark peeking out from unbuttoned shirt.

Wait...was that a hickey? I narrowed my eyes.

I didn't do that...

leaning in forward a bit more I saw that it was more of a purplish color and I almost let out a sigh of relief.

But wait, bruise? Bravely I reached down and pushed away the fabric that was covering the top of his chest, he flinched.

"Izaya, where the hell did you get this bruise?" I asked seeing that the bruise was darker and larger than I thought it to be.

He flinched again, and then shrugged.

…...

"Izaya!" I say, my voice louder this time. He looks up at me and flinches away from me and pulls the fabric over the bruise again.

"Izaya who the hell did this to you? Because I swear when I get my hands on them I'll-"

"You'll what Shizu-chan?"

I stop and unclench my fist, "Huh?"

"What are you going to do to my father Shizu-chan?" he says slowly, emphasizing the word father slightly, a dark look crossing over his features.

Father?

His father did this to him?

My eyes widen and I reach out towards him "I-Izaya..." I say. He squeezes his eyes shut so I cant see the building tears and then turns to run.

I sigh helplessly and let him run, knowing I wont be able to catch him.

Izaya...when will you stop running from me?

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**I'm sorry this was so short! I'll try to make the next one longer!**

**D: poor Iza-chan!**

**The next chapter will give you a closer look into Izaya's life at home and you'll get to see what happens when Shizu-chan isn't around to protect him...**

**Anyways, I love your reviews~! And they fuel my sucky writing skills!**

**So please review!**

**Love to all~!**


	9. Chapter 8

**Sorry, been busy and really depressed lately.**

**So sorry bout the late update..**

**this chapter took a bit longer.**

**Read review and enjoy.**

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The moment I started running I regretted it.

Because I realized that the only place I had to run to was home...if you could even call it that. After I was far enough so that I could no longer hear Shizu-chans voice calling after me I cast a longing glance over my shoulder, wishing it wasn't to late to turn back.

Why did I run?

I knew Shizu-chan only wanted to help me and I so desperately wanted to let him, dear lord did I want him to just take me in his arms and hold me there forever, but I knew I couldn't.

I just couldn't do that to myself.

I was afraid more than anything, afraid that if I put all my trust in him, afraid that if I trusted him with my heart and life, that he would steal it and crush it, leaving me an even more broken mess than I was now.

Despite the burning in my lungs I run the next few blocks and up the stairs to the nasty apartment I lived in, but I stopped in front of the door and cast another longing glance at the sky that's now turning a pretty orange color, the orange bleeding in with the left over dark blue color from the fading sky.

I always loved sunsets.

Taking in a deep breathe I rub the burning skin of my forearm and quietly push open the door, my heart racing as I realize my father is home.

I close my eyes for a moment and walk in, my eyes fixed on the ground.

The smell of smoke and alcohol almost knocks me over and the loud blaring of the cheap television set fills my ears.

My face scrunches up in a glare that I cant contain when I see my father sitting on the couch...well more like slouched.

His shoulders were hunched over lazily, a cigarette that I bet isn't legal nicotine in his hand, a bottle of something alcoholic in his other. He throws his head back and takes a swig from the bottle, his eyes red and blurry.

Despite his dying health, he's still skinny as hell.

His black and brown hair that's almost identical to mine is sticking out in all directions, he hasn't even noticed me come in yet.

I'm glad to say that the only traits I share with him are my hair, and how skinny I am, but part of it is just that I forget to eat a lot.

Eating isn't really one of my main concerns lately, so sometimes I just don't bother.

"You need to eat something Izaya..." Shizu-chan always tells me at school when he sees me with nothing but a small bottle of water in my hand.

I always shake my head at him despite the furious growling in my stomach, "Nah, ate a big breakfast."

My "father" finally sees me in his drunken haze, and his dark brown bloodshot eyes slowly make there way to my face, and he glares.

"Why are you so late Izaya-kun?" he says.

I flinch, I hate it when he calls me that.

I drop my own glare and shrug my shoulders as casually as I can, "Sorry, I just took a little walk is all." I say. He glares at me some more, he's usually not so angry, he's usually trying to rape me.

And I mean that literally.

But when he's this drunk, he's angry and he lets a bit of his real emotions show through, all the anger that I guess has made him this way is taken out on me.

I make sure that its me, Mairu and Kururi are to young to go through this.

And I don't want them to grow up like I did.

They don't deserve it, not one bit. But I know I do.

He gets up from his seat on the couch slowly and staggers over to me, I tense up and look away.

I guess he has enough strength when he's drunk to punch me in the face rather hard. I feel my eyes stinging with tears as I hit the ground, the taste of blood filling my mouth.

I don't feel any pain yet.

I look up with tears blurring my vision to see him towering over me, his bottle still clenched in his hand, he reaches down quickly and grabs me by my hair and yanks me up hard so that I'm looking him in the face, he breathes puffs of smoke into my face and the smell of alcohol burns in my nose.

"Tell me why you were really late Izaya-kun~" he slurs, his warm breathe is on my neck and he's to close to me, I flinch and shiver, wishing I could just push him away and run.

I hope to god that Mairu and Kururi are upstairs asleep so that they don't have to watch this, they always get so scared and ask me questions that im to shaken up to answer.

I'm silent, I can't really talk because the pain is starting to build up in my jaw, this is the first time he's punched me in such a visible place in awhile.

I frown, now how am I going to hide this from Shizu-chan?

"Answer me you little whore!" he yells and yanks me by my hair again.

Whore?

I believe it was you who was shoving your nasty cock down my throat when I was just a little boy.

If anything your the whore, and a pedophile at that.

That's what I want to tell him, but I don't want to risk getting hurt even further and possibly getting killed.

Someones gotta protect the poor little girls upstairs.

I just whimper in response, the pain is really starting to kick in, but I know I deserve it. I hear him tsk and then he lets go of my hair and shoves me down onto the ground, my head hitting the wall with a thud.

"Your useless." he spits sending me another glare.

Yeah, I know, you don't have to remind me.

I'm trembling as I struggle to get back up from the ground, my shaking limbs making it hard for me to get back up on my feet. I'm almost able to prop myself up on my elbows when I hit the ground again, my fathers foot coming down hard on my back and knocking the breathe out of me.

"Don't even bother to get up." he says, his words slurred.

A tear runs down my face slowly and I try to get back up again, but his hand stops me. He grabs me by my wrist and yanks me upwards and my body hits the wall before I can get my balance, my head aches from the impact and I can barely make out what he says next.

He staggers away and makes his way upstairs and only turns to glare at me again, "Just go kill yourself." he mutters. I slide down the wall and curl my knees up to my chest when he's gone, the tears coming freely now, my body wracking with silent sobs, my arms burning for the touch of a razor.

"_Just go kill yourself."_

Thanks, I might just do that.

Drowning in my thoughts I force myself to get up and I trudge upstairs, my body trembling violently. I reach for the razor in my back pocket and head to the bathroom, clutching the metal object that was my sick addiction.

I rip my school jacket off and dig the razor into my skin as quickly as I can, relishing the feeling of its burning pain that runs through my whole body and smile to myself.

I'm insane.

I feel the blood warming the rest of my cold body and I look at my reflection in the mirror, pale skin, wide empty red eyes, and a smile that belongs on a patient in a mental hospital.

I quickly frown again as the phone in my back pocket vibrates. I wipe the blood from my arm and reach in my pocket, the screen flashing with the name Shizu-chan, I hold it in my hand for a moment, the vibrations mixing in with the trembling of my hand. I stare down at it with a frown before I answer it.

"...Hello?"

"IZAYA!"

I flinch at his loud voice and hold the phone away from my ear, "Shhh, not so loud Shizu-chan, I'm tired."

He's silent for a moment, "Oh...I'm sorry were you asleep?"

For some reason I don't feel like lying, "No." he sighs on the other line, "I'm coming over." he says in a demanding tone. My eyes widen, "N-no! You cant!" I say, trying to keep my voice down.

I can almost see his glare, "Why not?"

"U-um...because..."

"...?"

"Because I..." I don't want him to see me like this, I don't want him to see my father, I don't want him to see any of this.

Shizu-chan groans, "OK fine, then you at least have to come over to my house." he demands.

I blush slightly, "B-but its so late..." I say, not really minding the idea of staying with him.

"You can just spend the night." he says. I blush even more, "Um, what about your parents?" I ask.

"Not home, they went on a business trip."

"Kasuka?"

"Acting camp for the weekend."

Damn, I'm out of excuses, and there'ss no stopping Shizuo Heiwajima when he's in a demanding mood. I sigh, "OK, I'll be over soon."

He chuckles lightly on the other line, "OK, see you soon I-"

"Hm?"

"...never mind." and then he hangs up.

I smile to myself, Oh Shizu-chan...I love you too.

**~Shizuo's POV~**

I hang up the phone with a blush on my face, did I really just...?

Yeah, I really did.

I almost said "I love you."

I sighed and ran a hand through my bleach blonde hair, the blush refusing to fade from my cheeks.

Izaya was coming here, tonight, to spend the night, and no one else here but us. I was actually really excited, we rarely ever had any alone time, so this should be nice.

I wanted to talk to him anyway, about that bruise. I wanted to know more about his life, more about...those cuts, I wanted to know why he did that.

And I wanted to stop him, I wanted to make him smile.

I decided that was my goal for the night, to comfort him and make him smile.

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**Sorry to end it there, but guess what im giving you in the next chapter**

**LEMONY ACTION`!~!~!~!~!~! :D**

**teehee :3**

**reviews make me feel inspired~!**

**Love to all~!**

**REVIEW**


	10. Chapter 9

**:D ** **Well, the storyline should really start to pick up after this chapter I think, **

**WARNING! MATURE M RATED CONTENT AHEAD!**

**YAOI! BOYXBOY! DONT LIKE DONT READ! ;D**

**Ah yes,I apologize if it gets confusing, I kept changing around the POVS in the lemon because it just seemed better to me when you could see the whole thing through both of their eyes.**

**no flames please, this is my first attempt at a lemon, so be nice but please please tell me what you think :)**

**read, review, and enjoy~!**

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**~Shizuo's POV~**

I sit in place for a few moments after we hang up to try and calm my heartbeat, my eyes sweeping over the messy room. I get up and throw the mess of clothes I have strewn in the floor in the closet and run my fingers through my hair with a sigh.

I glance at the clock on my bedside table and I suddenly start rethinking this plan.

It's really late, and the thought of Izaya out by himself crosses my mind, at this time of night, in a large city, its practically crawling with gang members, druggies,...rapists.

My eyes widen at the thought and I whip out my phone and quickly type a message to Izaya.

**From: Shizu-chan[Stay where u r.]**

my phone buzzes a few seconds later with the expected reply.

**From: Izaya [. y?]**

I quickly type my response as I throw on a jacket and walk out the door.

**From: Shizu-chan [Because it's late and I don't want u out by urself, I'm on my way to pick u up.]**

**From: Izaya [I'm not a damn baby Shizu-chan, but OK.]**

I roll my eyes at the last message and snap my phone shut, my feet quickly carrying me in the direction of Izaya's apartment.

As I'm walking my mind drifts, and I start thinking of what exactly we were going to do.

Izaya was so...fragile. Everything about him seemed as if he could snap into pieces at any moment, maybe that's why I'm so gentle around him.

I'm such a monster, with this cursed strength and my angry personality, was I really good for him? He's so fragile, so sensitive and obviously something really bad had been happening to him.

What if I ended up hurting him on accident? Or...what if he makes me mad and I cant control myself?

I could never forgive myself if I ever let him get hurt.

I look up at the darkening sky and sigh. Izaya needs someone to help him, he needs an angel, someone soft and caring who could comfort him and make him feel happy.

I'm a monster, the complete opposite of an angel.

So, if I stay with him wouldn't that be rather selfish of me? I'd be depriving him of the chance to find someone to help him, someone way better than me.

The thought of that sends a pang of sadness through me and my chest aches but soon after that my fist clenches tightly as the feeling of determination replaces the sadness. Tonight I'm going to comfort Izaya, I'm going to make him forget the pain he's feeling, I'm going to prove to him and myself that I can be gentle and loving, I'm going to make him feel loved.

_Love..._

Do I love him?

…..

"Shizu-chan~!"

I look up and find that I'm coming up at his apartment and Izaya has somewhat of a smile on his face, his hand waving to me spastically. I smile to myself.

Yeah...definitely.

**~Izaya's POV~**

The walk to Shizu-chans apartment didn't take long, about 10 minutes. Never knew he lived so close to me...

His arm is warm around my shoulders as he drags me in the direction of where he lives, my eyes fixed on the ground as I desperately try to hide the blush that's creeping on my cheeks. For some reason the thought of me going over to my boyfriends house, with no one else but us, and spending the night...which probably means sleeping in the same room, or the same bed, and-

I stop myself as I feel my cheeks burning brighter with each thought.

I mean, what do I have to feel embarrassed about? I mean...its not like we're going to do anything...right? Do I...want to do something?

I look up at Shizuo for a moment, admiring his perfect features that are illuminated in the moonlight, dark shadows forming in different places from the odd lighting of the flickering street lamps above us. Was that why Shizu-chan wanted me to come over?

My eyes widen slightly and I shake my bangs into my eyes to hide my face. He looks down at me at the sudden movement.  
>"Something wrong?" he says, breaking the silence that only seemed awkward to me.<p>

I shake my head quickly but keep my mouth shut.

He hesitates for a moment and doesn't reply until we climb the steps up to his apartment.

He lets go of me and reaches into his pocket, the slight jingling sounds filling the void of silence. He gives me a small smile and then opens the door and switches on a light.

The smell of vanilla and incense hits me in the face, I breathe in the pleasant smell and examine my surroundings. It so...nice. I was definitely not used to this, I was used to beer stained greasy carpets and the smell of smoke and alcohol. Not the elegant smell of vanilla and the clean white carpet, nor was I used to the warm inviting atmosphere that seemed to pull me into the house like a welcoming hug.

That's when I realized...

Shizu-chan was way to good for me. Yeah I know, it might seem pretty stupid of me to judge this just based off of the difference of where and how we live. But really it was more than that, I was nothing compared to him, I was a dirty rat living with an even bigger dirtier rat who rapes and beats his son. But in the back of my mind I knew I deserved the beatings, I was nothing.

And Shizu-chan was...an angel, a beautiful angel sent down from heaven with a beautiful house and im guessing a beautiful happy family.

So...what he hell was he doing with someone like me?

Aren't I just dragging him down, does he really even love me, or does he just want to get in my pants? I hope he loves me...because I sure love him..

The thought sends a pang of despair through me and my gaze falls to the ground again, tears stinging in my eyes but I quickly fight them back.

Shizuo seems to notice my change in mood because he moves towards me and pulls me into a tight embrace, it takes me moment but I return it slowly, my head falling into his chest. He rubs my back comfortingly and I instantly relax. He kisses the top of my head lightly as he lets go and grabs my hand.

He looks at me with that angelic smile and starts pulling me towards a small hallway and then we enter a small room that I guess is his room.

Its simple, but very Shizuo-like. A messy unmade bed that's covered with light blue sheets and white fluffy looking pillows, a few t-shirts are lying in the floor and the room is very dimly lit with a small lamp on his bedside table.

The room is filled with his scent with another hint of vanilla. He pulls me into the room and sits us down on the bed, then he gets up again.

"Want something to drink?"

I raise and eyebrow but nod slowly, he sure is acting weird.

He rushes out of the room and I'm left alone with the scent of his room and my own thoughts.

_Good,_ I think to myself, _I need some time to think..._

I start to think over the whole situation as I run my hands over the smooth sky blue sheets of his bed. What if me and Shiraz-chan actually-

"Izaya?"

I jump, "Uh..yeah?" Shizuo's blonde head is peeking around the corner of his door, he's blushing slightly. "Sorry but I forgot to ask what you wanted to drink..." he says with a nervous laugh. I tell him that water would be find and he turns to go get it.

He comes back shortly after and hands me the glass, I take a few sips and set it on the bedside table. We sit in an awkward silence for a moment until I feel Shizuo staring at my face. I turn to look at him. "What?" His eyebrows knit together and he caresses the side of my cheek. My hand flys up to my cheek as a dull pain courses through me.

Memories from earlier today flood back into my mind...i forgot about the bruise.

"Izaya..." Shizuo says softly as he caresses the side of my face again. He leans forward and brushes his lips against mine, "Tell me what happened..." he says, his voice almost a whisper.

I shiver at his touch but I don't say anything, not wanting him to know about all of this just yet. I'm scared that he'll push me away if he knows where I truly come from.

Someone as dirty as me doesn't deserve the touch of an angel...

When I don't respond he moves closer so that his breathe is tickling my ear, "Please..." he whispers. A shiver runs down my spine at the wonderful sensation.

_Seductive bastard..._

"N-no..." I say, I try to say it in a firm voice, but it comes out more like a stuttered question. I swear I hear him chuckle, but its hard to tell because the next thing I know my back is hitting the bed. I look up with wide eyes, "Shi-Shizu-chan?"

He's grinning above me as he straddles my hips, I can't help but smirk back up at him.

"So this is the only reason you wanted me to come over Shizu-chan?"

He blushes, "W-what! No!"

"Sure looks like it hun.."

"N-no!" He yells and starts to get off me, "I-I mean we don't have t- I mean I wasn't...ahhh damnit.."

I laugh loudly and pull him back on me, my lips locking with his firmly, "Silly Shizu-chan." He looks shocked by my sudden cooperativeness, but he doesn't pull away to ask anything about the bruise again, instead he returns the kiss and our lips begin moving in sync with each other.

We stay like that for what seems like hours before my lungs start burning for air and we pull away, both of us breathing hard. I'm blushing, trying not to meet his gaze feeling suddenly shy at my sudden move, it wasn't like we hadn't kissed before but I could tell that he was intending to take this a little bit further.

I feel his hand caress my cheek softly making me turn to face him. He's looking at me with soft eyes, "Are you sure Izaya?"

His voice...its so soft and caring. He's asking me if I'm OK with all of this...that is something I'm definitely not used to. This whole thing was like a new experience.

No one has ever been so gentle with me before, no one has ever looked at me so lovingly. I suppress the bright smile that tugs on the corner of my lips and nod slowly.

He smiles and pulls me into his chest for a soft embrace.

And for once, I return it without hesitation.

**~Shizuo's POV~**

There it is again.

A bruise.

But this one is bigger, and it looks much more painful, and it's on his FACE. Someone decided to punch MY Izaya in his beautiful face.

Who the hell?

I watch as his pink lips wrap around the rim of the glass as he gingerly takes a sip of the ice cold water I had brought him. He takes about two sips and then he sets it down on the table with shaking hands, my eyes never leave his face.

Why is he so nervous?

Well...i can't really say anything, my hands are trembling with nerves too, so I can't blame him. But, is he scared? I'm only nervous because I'm afraid I'm going to hurt this fragile man I'm afraid of myself more than anything.

But, is he trembling because...he's scared of me?

No no, of course not.

But then again...I am such a monster.

I shake my head and try to dismiss the dark thoughts that threaten to fill my head, this night is not about me, it's about Izaya. I'm going to get him to talk to me, I'm going to comfort him and make him feel good. That is my goal.

So, starting with this bruise.

I stare hard at the darkening mark on the side of his face, my eyebrows knitting together as I contemplate just what might have happened. Izaya seems to notice this and he looks up at me, "What?"

Not really knowing how to respond I just bring my hand up to gently caress the side of his face where the bruise is staining his flawless pale skin. He jumps when he feels it and brings his hand up to join mine, an 'oh shit' look crossing his face.

I sit there with my hand continuing to stroke the mark softly in what I hope is a comforting manner, now how do I get him to tell me what happened?

He's too stubborn, I can't just ask him.

"Izaya..." I say softly and then I lean forward to brush my lips teasingly against his, he flinches slightly and I can feel his lips trembling against mine, for some reason reminding me of a butterfly's wings.

"Tell me what happened..." I whisper, my lips hovering just an inch away from his. He shivers at the action and doesn't respond so I turn it up a notch. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and my lips are hovering right beside his ear, "Please..." I whisper trying my best to use a seductive voice. Its really not like me to do something like this, but I guess in a way this is why I invited him over, no im not just trying to get in his pants...its just that I...

He shivers and lets out a shaky breathe. "N-no.." he stutters, but to me it sounds like more of a question. I grin to myself, guess this is working after all. Without giving him any warning I push him down onto the bed and straddle his hips, my legs on either side of his hips. He gapes at me, "Shi-Shizu-chan?" he yells. Suddenly he grins back up at me, "So Shizu-chan...is this the only reason you wanted me to come over?"

I'm taken aback at his sudden playfulness, wait...he...oh god he doesn't really think that does he!

I strangle out an embarrassed "N-no!" and pull away from him. He grins up at me again looking amused at my reaction and presses his hand against my chest, "Sure looks like it hun.." he says tauntingly.

Oh, so now I'm your hun? Damn he is so bipolar...

"N-no!" I repeat, not able to get much else out. I find that when I'm in an embarrassingg or erm...difficult situation I cant form my words too clearly hehheh..

"I-I mean we don'tt have to- I mean if youdon't't-..ahh damnit.."

Izaya gives a loud laugh and suddenly jerks me forward to meet his lips, our lips clash in a swirl of emotion and we're off again.

Set like a bottle rocket, that's how we were. We were both just overwhelming explosions of emotions, and the taste of him described just that. "Silly Shizu-chan..." he mumbles against my lips. Our lips melt together and we're moving them in sync with each other, the pleasureful sensation of his soft velvet lips and the taste of blood and something fruity fills my senses, blocking everything from my world. All that's left is the red-eyed boy under me.

We pull away after awhile when the need to oxygen tugs at our lungs and he looks away with a blush, like he knows whats coming next and he's all the sudden not to confident anymore. I take this as a sign.

Maybe he really does want to go through with this, maybe we will go...all the way. Well, was that even what I was planning?

Ah damnit I really should have planned this better...

Not knowing what else to do or how to really start this off I just give him a comforting look and bring my hand up to caress the side of his face gently, hoping the soothing gesture will calm his nerves.

"Are you sure Izaya?"

I wait for what seems like 10 hours (its only a few seconds) for his response, he looks up at me with wide eyes and then finally, his lips tug into a small smile and he nods somewhat happily.

Happiness flutters in my stomach and my heart squeezes, my smile grows huge and I pull him into a tight hug, burying my face in his shoulder.

I feel his arms return the embrace with a light squeeze and my heart skips a beat because I take this as a sign to continue further.

This time there's almost no hesitation, my eagerly awaiting body responded almost completely on its own, my lips roughly found his and my hand found my way up his shirt. He let out a gasp at the sudden contact but did nothing to stop it. His chest was warm and his skin was pleasantly soft but I could feel almost all of his rib bones under my fingertips and this worried me, was he not eating either?

I pushed aside the negative thought and lifted the black piece of fabric over his head, my fingers tracing over the beautiful pale skin under me.

He is beautiful. I don't know why he acts so shy all the time, he has a great body.

He's so skinny that his figure is almost feminine but it looks so good. So..so good... "Izaya~" I purr seductively and lower my lips to his chest and kiss all the way down to his navel and stop to run my tongue along the sensitive skin, I savor every movement as he shivers beneath me.

My mouth travels lower, my tongue still working on the skin, I take notice in how he shivers more violently as I get closer to the bulge I can see forming in his pants. I grin to myself at the sight and remove my lips teasingly. He gives a small almost inaudible whimper at the lost contact and glares at me with a blush. "W-what are you doing?" he stumbles. My hands snake around his back and I place myself behind him so that he's almost in my lap and I run my hands up and down his chest softly earning a shiver and slight gasp as my hands start to travel lower and lower. I fix my lips on his neck, hoping it will relax him a little bit. I hook my fingers in the belt loops of his black skinny jeans and tug softly and then pull them down so that there resting at his knees. He blushes furiously and squirms in my grasp. "S-Shizu-chan...umm..."

"Shh it's okay..." I whisper, stroking his hair calmingly. He relaxes a bit and I continue, my fingers slide under his red boxers and curl around something hard and warm. I smirk to myself at the loud gasp he emits and start stroking him slowly. He bites his lips and squeezes his eyes shut but I nudge him. "Open your eyes Izaya I wanna see you." I say and he really has no choice because when my strokes speed up his eyes fly open and he lets out a suppressed gasp, his hips bucking forward.

"Don't hold back.." I whisper.

"B-but Shizu-chan..."

"Hey! You agreed to this remember!" He turns and glares at me but says nothing so I just smile at him, "Theres nothing to be scared of..." I say, "I promise..."

**~Izaya's POV~**

"There's nothing to be scared of..." he breathes against my neck, making me shiver even more, "I promise."

I would have made some comeback if I wasn't so distracted by his fingers stroking my growing erection. Waves of pleasure run through my body making my hips buck forward into his warm hand, a gasp escaping my lips that I so desperately want to keep closed. The sounds I keep wanting to make are just plain embarrassing so I was biting my lip to keep them from coming out. But he was making it pretty damn hard.

His strokes speed up with each second and my self control is waring. It just feels so fucking...

"S-Shizu-cha-ahhhh!"

His thumb starts to tease my slit and I lose it, I can't hold back anymore. My fists clenches in his bedsheets and my hips buck up uncontrollably into his hand. Another shaky moan escapes my throat and Shizu-chan grunts and pulls down my boxers all the way, but at this point I can't say I really care.

I'm too distracted by the heat that's slowly pooling in the pit of my stomach and the feeling of his warm hand. "Hnnnn...ahh..Shizu-chan I'm..."

I can't even finish the sentence before the heat coils and I cum into his hand with a final groan of his name. When I come back to my senses I blush furiously and hide my face from him. "Damnit..." I mutter.

Shizu-chan chuckles, "Don't be embarrassedd Izaya thats whats supposed to happen." he laughs. I glare at him, "I know that!" He just laughs some more and I cant help but smile.

This feels so...good. So right, not anything like I've experienced before. The only time anyone has ever touched me like this is was rough, painful, and dirty, it never felt so good or so right.

I wonder...If shizu-chan knew of the disgusting hands that have touched my body in the past, would he still love me? Probably not... but that's OK, its not like I was ever going to tell him. If I told him he wouldn't care, he would just leave so it would be a waste of breathe anyway.

Shizu-chan moves so that he's in front of me now and I instinctively close my legs together when I remember I'm fully naked in front of him. He lifts his hand that has my cum on it in front of his face and smirks, his tongue lapping out to lick it off his fingers seductively. I blush furiously at the gesture but feel my member twitch to life again. "I love it when you blush..." he breathes and leans down to kiss down my chest again. I tug on the edges of his shirt. Its not fair that I have to be naked and his amazing body is hidden from me. He takes the hint and tugs of his shirt and throws it somewhere, I admire his tone chest and bring my hand up to feel the muscles. His body is just...wow...i look up at him face, its of course equally as beautiful. He smirks at me again and rests his hand on top of my knees that are still pressed together in a weak effort to shield my growing erection and he spreads my legs apart.

He dangles three fingers in front of my face, "Suck."

**~Shizuo's POV~**

He gives me a weird look but hesitantly takes three of my fingers into his mouth and starts to suck on them, coating them with his saliva. I feel him run his tongue over them teasingly and I shiver at the sight. After a few more seconds I slide the digits out of his mouth with a wet pop and bring them down towards his entrance. I stop and look at his face before I continue.

"Izaya?"

He looks up at me with flushed cheeks, "Hm?"

"Are...are you a virgin?"

He stops and his eyes get big, "I...of course!" he yells, but his voice wavers. "Izaya, I wont get mad if you're not." I tell him, my fingers stroking the underside of his arms delicately. He shivers and struggles not to look away.

"Shizu-chan, I promise you I've never done anything like this before."

I smile and take this as a sign to continue. Keeping one hand resting on his back I bring my saliva coated fingers down to his entrance. "This is gonna hurt for a second but it'll feel better." I tell him then I lean down to whisper in his ear, "A lot better..." He shivers and while he's distracted I slip one finger in.

He flinches at the sudden intrusion but doesn't protest, I wiggle the digit around a bit and then distracting him with a kiss I slip in the second finger and push them in deep. He pulls away and gives a pained cry as I start stretching him. I stroke his hair softly, "It's OK it'll get better.." I whisper calmingly. His face scrunches up in pain and he cries out louder as I insert the third finger, I curl the fingers and start moving them around looking for that certain...

"AHHH! Hah.."

I grin, guess I found it.

He burys his head in my shoulder and moans as I start moving the digits in and out, hitting that spot each time. I let out a groan at the feeling of him rolling his hips against my fingers, I can almost feel myself inside that warm tight heat, my erection is aching painful with anticipation.  
>"Nnggh, Shizu-chann.." he moans.<p>

**~Izaya's POV~ (So sorry for all the POV switches T_T)**

oh god oh god OH GOD...

this is crazy, this is fucking crazy. His fingers are moving inside of me and I'm losing it as he slips them out slowly and sensually and then back in swiftly, hitting that spot each time. I cry out and burry my blushing face in his shoulder, rolling my hips in time with his thrusts.

This is just too much, I mean I've been fingered and fucked before, but it always hurt and I never wanted it, they were never gentle and I didn't love them. So it felt like my first time.

I felt a little bad for lying to Shizu-chan about me being a virgin, but what was I supposed to tell him? He would be disgusted if I told him the truth, and then I would have nothing left. Selfish, yes I know. But hey, that's me.

"Nnggh, Shizu-chan..." I moan. When he hears that me lets out his own groan and pushes me down, raising my legs up to wrap around his waist.

My vision blurs and my head is swimming from the impact and the feeling of Shizuos touch burning on my skin. His hands roam over my frail body with eagerness and I smile lightly at the sight of him as he struggles with his belt. When his jeans are finally on the floor next to mine he cups my face in his hands and brings me close, our lips touching gently as we stare into each others eyes.

My heart squeezes as I stare into his honey coated orbs, I see burning passion, lust, and overwhelming love in those eyes and the realization that its all directed towards me brings tears to my eyes. He pulls away and wipes at the corners of my eyes, "Izaya? Are you OK?" he asks.

I look away and nod quickly, "Of course!"

"Are you sure? I mean we don't have to-"

"Shizu-chan!"

He stops, "What?"  
>I yank on a fistful of his hair and pull him towards me, "Just shut up and fuck me."<p>

A mischievous grin lights up his face, "Gladly."

He lifts me up slightly and I lock my legs tightly around his waist, my muscles tensing with anticipation as I feel something hard and warm press up against my entrance. Shizu-chan looks down at me with an eager yet apologetic expression, "Are you ready?" he asks. I burry my face in his shoulder again and nod, bracing myself because I know that this hurts at first. He sighs and then thrusts in slowly with a groan and then stops. I bite my lip to keep from crying out, tears blurring my eyes at the burning feeling, "A-are you OK?" he breathes in my ear. "Ahh- I, yeah."

It hurts, but its OK its been worse before. He's trying not to hurt me and that's all that counts. After a few more seconds the pain is slowly subsiding and the burning feeling fades into a wave of pleasure that makes me moan softly.

"Mmmnn, Shizu-chan...move already..." I choke out. He gives somewhat of a grunt and tightens his grip on me as he pulls out and then thrusts back in, this time going deeper than the first time. I fist my fingers in his hair and groan. It just feels so good. His breathing gets faster as he pulls out again and thrusts back in more quickly. He speeds up, going faster and deeper with each thrust. "Mmmnng...Shizu-chan.." I moan, my nails digging into the skin on his back. Shizu-chan kisses my neck lightly, "Haah Izaya..." he whispers, his warm breathe making me shiver. He thrusts in even harder and my head falls back against the headboard, a sound that could be either a very loud moan or a scream escaping my throat. His speed picks up and he continues to hit that spot dead on, my nails drawing blood now. Heat pools in the pit of my stomach again and I know I'm getting close.

"S-Shizu-chan I'm c-...AHH!"

With one final scream of his name I come onto his stomach, spots of light blinding my vision.

**~Shizuo's POV~**

Holy..

Oh man, this is great. Izaya is so tight and hot...and damn his face is so beautiful when he screams my name.

"S-Shizu-chan I'm c-...AHH!" he screams. I thrust in even harder, a loud moan escaping my throat when he yells my name. I feel his walls tighten around me and he comes onto my stomach, not long after that I lose it and come inside of him.

I look down at his face and smile, his eyes are clouded over with lust, his cheeks a beautiful shade of red as he stares up at me, sweat glistening on his body. I press my lips to his lightly, I'm so happy. I stroke his hair softly and pull out of him, rolling over I pull him into my arms and rest his head on my chest. I smile to myself and whisper in his ear.

"I love you Izaya."

He stiffens and looks up at me with shocked, teary eyes.

"I-I love you too Shizu-chan..."

I smile, and fall asleep with him in my arms.

**~Izaya's POV~**

The small sound of rain sounds as I look down at the sleeping blonde, the rain falling in sync with my tears. I smile to myself when Shizu-chan doesn't notice the small droplets that are falling on his face, he is such a heavy sleeper.

I stroke his hair slightly and swallow hard to keep myself from sobbing.

I did it again...I allowed myself to get to close. I couldn't stay here.

_I wonder Shizu-chan..._

It was sad, because I really love him, I really do. But, if I stay with him, he would only be brought down by my own sickness it would be too selfish for me to stay here and bring him down. After he realizes that I'm gone, he'll hate me. And that's how it should be. He'll hate me, he'll forget about our love and move on, find someone that's better for him, someone who cant be so broken so easily, someone that isn't such a fool.

I am a fool.

A fool to believe that someone like me could ever deserve the love of such an angel. The tears are falling quicker now and the rain is beating hard against the window, distorting the reflection of the moonlight on the glass.

I wipe away another tear and lean down, my lips latching onto his for our final kiss.

_How strange..._i think..._why is it that the last kiss is always sweeter?_

After tonight, it all changes.

My body wracks with a small sob as I look at his face, savoring this moment.

This...this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do...

_Do you know how I'm feeling right now?_

I lift myself off the bed and creep to the door, leaving the small piece of paper I wrote on as my final goodbye on his bedside table. I feel bad, I have so much I want to say, so much I want to do, so much I want to thank him for, so much I want to say to tell him how much I truly love him.

I cant thank him or tell him I love him to his face. It would be to hard for me to pull away after that, then my selfish side would show through.

So I thank him in my mind as I stare down at his sleeping face while my hand continues to gently stroke his silky blonde hair. Thank you Shizu-chan, thank you for loving someone like me, thank you for being my angel, thank you for showing me what love is, thank you for being you, thank you for showing me how it feels to be happy.

Thank you for making my heart beat.

_..._

The rain is even louder now and my whole body is trembling as my hand finds the doorknob. I allow myself one more look at the blond, I take in the peaceful flawless look of his face as he sleeps, I admire the shape of his bare body, his skin that's still slightly glistening with sweat is almost glowing in the dim lighting from the moon.

…_..Do you feel me?_

I swallow back another sob and open the door, but the tears continue to fall. This isn't going so well...I promised myself I would be strong.

I rub at my arm.

_Can you feel me?_

I walk out the door, and into the pouring rain, I walk and don't stop until I'm drenched in rain, my gaze fixed on the window that I know is his.

Rain mingles with my tears as I take a deep breathe and turn.

That night, I ran away.

And I never looked back.

_I hope you can._

_Monster, how should I feel?_

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~!~!~!~!~!~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~**

**Sorry for the short/sucky lemon!**

**And sorry for such a late update T_T**

**please please please PLEASE REVIEW!~**

**I appreciate them very much and they motivate me!**

**:) thanks to everyone who has supported me! Love to all~!**


	11. Chapter 10

**Hola~**

**Late updates are late updates! Sorry! **

**read, review, and enjoy~**

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Hate and love walk a thin line.

I've gotta say though, hate seems to be more influential.

"IIIZZAAAYAAAAAA!"

_CRASH_

Izaya dodges the flying object with ease, his quick slender body spinning around a lampost elegantly. He flashes me a knowing grin and winks. My fist clenches and my vision turns red at the action as I reach for another heavy object.

Never would I have thought it would come to this.

"IZAYA! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!" I yell as I watch him run, turning corners quickly, playing games with my mind as I struggle to keep up.

He continues to laugh, and it just pisses me off even more. Izaya makes another quick turn and the path is growing even more familiar.

He's going to make me chase him all the way to Shinjiku.

Yes I said _make._ You would think that if a person hated someone this much, they wouldn't give a shit what they did, so why is it that day after day I continue to drop everything I'm doing just to chase after this man?

Because hate and love walk a thin line, and even I get confused between the two, and no matter how much I try, I can never make myself just ignore him. No matter how badly I just want to be in peace and not have to use my strength and make others cower away from me in fear more than they already do, I can never stop.

Even though my feelings aren't directed the same way, he's still like a drug to me. More addicting and harmful than any drug in the world.

I could feel myself falling a little more each day. When I see him now, I don't smile, and I don't blush, my heart doesn't squeeze like it used to. I don't feel the need to bring him into my arms and comfort him, I don't feel the need to rub the scars that I know are still there on his arms.

Now I feel the need to crush him, and make him pay for how he hurt me.

So why is it that I'm so obsessed with him, even now?  
>Shouldn't I just say I hate him and be done with it?<p>

The pain is still unbearable, ever since that one morning, I can still feel the ache in my heart.

I notice the surrondings are changing, we're getting even further away from Ikebukoro, which doesn't take long since the two towns aren't that far from eachother.

"_Shizu-chan look!" _

_The snow fell around us softly as Izaya squeezed my hand and pointed at something. I smiled at how young he looked all bundled up in warm clothes. He was standing on his tip toes and pointing up at a large building with a huge window that could over look the whole city of Shinjiku. We had decided to take a trip here to be alone for awhile._

"_What about it?" I asked him._

_He smiled and his eyes turned hazy like he was in a fantasy, "One day I'm going to live there Shizu-chan, so I can look over the whole city and watch everyone as they live." he said._

_I laughed, "Isn't that kind of creepy?" _

"_NO!" he huffed._

_I just laughed and pulled him into my arms, my head kissing the top of his head gently. _

"_Well I hope your dreams come true..."_

"Hahaha Shizu-chan is soooo slow~"

My teeth clench and my legs move faster as I try to catch him, but suddenly he stops and turns around. The action makes me stop as well, a move like this is dangerous in our fights.

I freeze and just glare at him. His usual frown slowly forms into a taunting grin as he looks around and then back at me.

"What are you doing flea?" I spat.

He says nothing and takes out his flickblade and holds it in front of him. I flinch and move forward a bit.

He walks closer to me slowly, each step slow and taunting, like he was ready to trick death itself. His grin had faded into a serious contemplative look. When he's about two feet away from me he stops and just stares at me. His ruby red eyes are staring into me, like he's searching through me and I shift uncomfrotably, wondering why I was still standing here and not picking up something heavy and throwing it at him.

"Do you remember this place Shizu-chan?" he says, his voice breaking the thick layer of silence, for it was unusually quiet in the city today. I tear my gaze away from his and look around,

and my heart just about rips in half.

_We sat on the park bench under the stars, the moonlight glinting off of the ice covered trees. Izaya shivered and huddled close to me, his breathe coming out in white puffs in front of him. _

"_Cold?" I asked._

_He just shivered and nodded, I guess his clothes weren't warm enough._

_I slipped the black scarf I had around my neck and put it around his in a feeble attempt to help him feel warmer. He smiled and tugged the scarf tight around his neck, covering up his mouth and nose as well._

_His red eyes gazed up into mine and I wrapped my arms around him tight._

"_Shizu-chan?" he said, his voice muffled by the scarf._

"_Hm?"_

_Izaya put his hands around my neck and pulled down the scarf, his eyes gazing into mine, like he was looking into my soul and my heart gave a loving squeeze at the action._

"_Don't ever leave me Shizu-chan." he told me firmly._

_I giggled and pulled him closer, "I wouldn't dream of it."_

_He smiled at that and pressed his lips to mine gently._

"_Thank you."_

Anger and hate pulse through me, but still I haven't moved yet, it was like he was keeping me in place with his gaze, his eyes pinning me in place.

I hear his flickblade open and my gaze travels down to the knife in his hand. His gaze still locked with mine he brings his hand to his sleeve and pulls it up slowly. The scars still apparent on his arms, they were red, deep gashes, and I could tell some of them weren't that old.

He brings the knife to his skin.

"What the FUCK are you doing flea?"

His face does not waver, "Testing a theory."

He takes the knife and pushes it down against his skin and then quickly moves it across his arm, blood instantly flows from the wound and starts to move down his arm like a waterfall.

My eyes widen as I stare in horror at whats happening before me.

"Stop it Izaya." I say.

He grins and moves to his other arm and does the same thing.

"STOP IT!" I yell, and the next thing I know we're at it again, a lamp post makes its way past him as he takes of running again. But this time I don't follow, I watch him run halfway, then he stops and smirks back at me, and evil knowing glint in his eyes, and then he starts laughing hysterically as he runs away.

And that laugh echoed through my brain, all night long.

**~Izaya's POV~**

I take off running, my arm burning deliciously. I'm laughing hysterically to myself, and the looks on all these human's faces as they watch me just makes me laugh even more.

Shizu-chan is just such a fun playtoy~

Its cold out and the blood that was once warm is dried and now feels cool against my skin. I pull my parka tighter over my body and slow my pace, my laugher dying down but the triumphant grin still apparent on my face.

I rub at my arm that's burning from the pain, I still love it, just as I always have. It's not as much of a habit as it used to be, now I just do it when I'm having a bad night, when I remember the things I told myself I had to forget.

If I remember them, I must punish myself.

I had been thinking lately, Shizu-chan had seemed depressed lately, and I had been wondering why he was getting slower and slower in our almost daily fights, so I tested a theory.

I had been thinking a few weeks back, what if...Shizu-chan actually...misses me?

Did my plan work in reverse?

I mean, of course I lo-

_flick_

Cut. It's deep, the blood is gushing and I feel warm again.

No

stop

you don't remember, you can't remember, you _don't_ remember.

You never will.

I sigh and my pace slows even further, I turn the corner and make my way towards my large apartment, a dull aching present in the back of my mind, and in the back of my heart, but I tell myself its not there, just as I always do.

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**kinda short but I wanted to get an update in!~ hope you all enjoyed im working hard on the next chapters~**

**if you don't understand what happened, there was a time skip, this is a few years after Izaya left, and I decided to twist it so that this is why they hate eachother :p **

**so now they are out of school and yeah blah blah blah, Shizuo bartender, Izaya crazy ass informant, ya kno the rest~**

**REVIEW PLEASEE! I PROMISE ILL WRITE FASTER IF U DO t_t**

**love to all~**


	12. Chapter 11

**Hi! umm I'm really sorry for this insanely late update, but school really has kept me busy lately. So I apologize, but I promise I will finish this story, I hope I haven't lost my readers T-T**

**well please, read, review, and enjoy~!**

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_~Flashback to highschool days~_

"Izaya, lunch is over, what are you still doing up here?"

"Just enjoying the fresh air Shizu-chan."

I smile and make my way over him, he was staring down at the ground below, his fingers clutching the metal chains of the fence that seemed to be keeping him from something.

I wrapped my arms around his small figure and pulled him away from the fence and sat us both down on one of the benches. His face scrunched up in protest and he just got back up and moved back to his place at the fence. I grabbed his hand and followed him.

"Izaya, what are you doing?"

He just shrugged and continued to stare at the ground.

"Why do you keep looking down there?"

He was silent, didn't move or anything. He moved his hand down to rub at his arm.

And then it hit me.

I grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me.

"I wont let you."

He pushed my hand away, "W-what are you talking about!"

I sighed and grasped his hand in mine again, "I see you looking down there, and I know what you're thinking, but you WILL NOT be jumping from this roof, ever."

"W-why would you think I would do that?"

I narrowed my eyes at him and pulled him closer, my fingers delicately traced up his arms, "Why wouldn't you?"

He looked down shamefully. I pulled him in for a hug, "Izaya..." I whispered, running my fingers through his jet-black hair.

"Hm?" he mumbled, his face pressed against my school jacket.

I held him to me tighter, "You can't leave me."

He looked up at me and smiled, "Shizu-chan..." he mumbled, his hand resting on my cheek.

"I wont."

"How can I be so sure?" I pressed.

He gives me another weak smile, a slight blush tinging his cheeks, "You've given me a reason to stay Shizu-chan~"

~_flashback end~_

"_You've given me a reason to stay Shizu-chan~"_

Stay in this world? Or stay with me?

I still wonder, which did he mean? I guess the first one, because if it was the second choice I wouldn't be sitting alone in my apartment with all the lights off and a cigarette placed between my lips, staring at the ground sulking.

I really am pitiful.

It's not like I haven't tried though, not like I don't want to forget him. I do, I want to say I wish I'd never met him, but then I start thinking and my eyes start feeling all prickly and I just cant bring myself to say it. The words just sound so cruel, so harsh coming from my lips. I am not a gentle person, but with him I was always so careful. That was one of the things I always loved about being with him.

I try so hard, so hard to be a gentle person that people don't have to be afraid of. I could never seem to be that way with anyone but him though...

and now he is the source of my anger, the one I blame everything for, now that he's gone I have no one to be gentle to, not even myself.

I've thought about it, I think about what would happen if I cut myself like Izaya used to, did it really take away his pain?  
>Then I realize it really does nothing but complicate things, I really don't need the stress of worrying about concealing cuts on my body.<p>

I jump when my phone starts to vibrate on the table in front of me, with shaky fingers I press the green button without even bothering to look at the caller I.D.

"Shizuo! Hi! How are you?"

I flinch at Shinra's loud voice, "Uhm...fine I guess."

"Great!" I can almost see his goofy smile. A few moments of silence pass as I wait for him to get to the point.

"Uhm Shinra, is there something you need?"

"Oh yes! Sorry, I got a little carried away."

"Okay, well what is it?" I growl, now he's just pissing me off.

"Ah! Yes, well you see there's been a slight problem with Izaya..."

"Well then I don't give a damn, I'm hanging up."

"N-no please wait!"  
>"What!" I yell, my fist clenching, my heart is pounding, whenever someone says his name it just fills me with so much emotion that I don't know which one to act on.<p>

So I choose the one I'm most familiar with, anger.

"I don't want anything to do with him Shinra don't you understand that?"

He sighs and his voice turns serious, "Shizuo, yes I understand that." he says, "But listen, Izaya is really in trouble and I really think you'll regret not helping me with this."

"Just help him yourself, why do you need me to help?"

"Because, this is something that only you can convince him to do."

"Well what the hell is wrong with him anyway?"

"Shizuo..." his voice wavers, "He's on top of the Sunshine 60 building."

I scoff and roll my eyes, "So? Doesn't he go there all the time?"

"Well yes, but Shizuo he texted me and-"

"Shinra this is really a waste of my time..."

"Shizuo he's going to jump!" he yells.

Time stops, his words ring through my ears, everything in my body tenses and my heart starts beating. With a heavy sigh I hang up the phone and rush out the door.

"_You've given me a reason to stay Shizu-chan~"_

I guess both choices are invalid now.

_Monster, how should I feel?_

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**Yea, short chapter, sorry. Next chapter we'll get to see Izaya's point of view and it will explain whats happening.**

**Just a clue though: it's not what you think ;) there's a surprise **

**CLIFFY LOL**

**anywayyyyy please please please review ! I really need them T_T they encourage me so please please review! I promise I'll update faster D:**

**Love to all~! **


	13. Chapter 12

**Hiya~! Hope this isn't too late of an update, but here ya go. ^^ **

**Please read, review, and enjoy~! :)**

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My body tenses and my eyes squeeze shut as I'm inched even further to my death. The city below me bustles, an array of neon lights twinkles, all my precious humans that I so love to watch are carrying on without a care in the world.

The breeze ruffles my hair and my jacket, causing me to flinch in fear of losing my balance.

"_But isn't this what you've always wanted?"_

Maybe, but not like this, if my life is going to end I want it to be me that ends it.

The man behind me stabs the tip of _my flick blade_ into my back again, causing me to whimper, my body teeters on the ledge of the Sunshine 60 building, one of the tallest buildings in Ikebukoro.

I'm scared, so scared.

"Now I'm gonna ask you one more time," the culprit whispers in a low voice, the smell of drugs and alcohol radiating off of him. I scrunch my face up and strain my neck trying to get him as far away from me as possible.

"Where is he?" he asks again. Tears well in my eyes and my throat burns from trying to hold back my sobs of fear, I rub at my arm.

I'm silent.

He curses loudly and grabs my arms roughly, locking it tightly behind my back in a death grip. I yelp in pain as he opens up old wounds under my sleeve, I feel the warm blood soak through and that familiar feeling washes over me once again.

"I know you know!" He yells, "Why are you trying so hard to protect him!"

He is met with silence once again.

"I know, everyone in Ikebukoro knows, that you two hate each other now why the hell aren't you telling me?" he yells, tightening his grip on me. I stumble, trying to inch my way further away from the edge. Adrenaline is making my heart beat at in impossible rate, my throat closes up when I glance down below me.

Izaya Orihara is not afraid of heights, but thinking about how the man behind me could push me and I would fall to my death at any moment that scares me.

I hate not being in control of myself.

The mans breath is hot on my neck and I shiver, this situation reminding me all too well of what I used to go through with my father.

"I swear I'll push you!" he yells in my ear, jostling me around a bit trying to scare me.

How did this happen?

Oh yeah, It's Shizu-chan's fault.

"_Orihara-san, I'm leaving now." Namie says picking up her things, I dismiss her with a wave and she scoffs in my direction._

_I'm too engrossed in these chat rooms right now to deal with her._

_I hear Namie greet someone as she opens the door to leave, I don't look to see who it is because I'm only half paying attention, I'm sure if its a client she'll send them my way. I hear the faint murmur of conversation, a door shutting, and the sound of heavy footsteps growing closer._

"_Orihara Izaya."_

_It wasn't a question, it was a demand._

_I turn my head in annoyance and I'm met with a large hooded figure in all black._

"_I'm sorry sir but I don't do anonymous requests, I'm going to have to ask you to remove the-"_

_Before I can finish my sentence the man moves forward, and with one swift blow he sends me falling out of my chair. My head connects with the ground roughly, my fingers stumble to my pockets searching desperately for my flick blade, but before I can find it I'm roughly grabbed by the hair and pulled out from under my desk._

_I'm shouting curse words and thrashing my limbs trying to get away but this person is smart, they cover my eyes for a split second and it sends me into a frenzy of confusion, using this diversion the culprit snatches my only weapon from my pocket._

_I curse loudly and struggle against the tight hold the man has on my hair, I wince with every move I make, I feel like all my hairs being ripped out._

_Surely Namie isn't too far away, maybe if I scream she'll hear and come back to-_

_Okay, not gonna happen, she's the definition of heartless._

_The man roughly shoves me to the ground and pins me there. He keeps his hood tight around his face._

"_Shizuo Heiwajima."_

"_..eh?"_

"_Where is he?"_

_I scoff, "How should I know?"_

_He isn't happy with this answer so he punches me in face._

_I cry out in pain, I feel blood coming out of my nose._

"_Where does he live?" he demands._

"_Why the hell would I tell you!"_

_This time he elbows me in the stomach. My back arches and my face scrunches us, I cry out and try to wiggle away from him again but before I can catch my breathe again he pulls me up by the hair again and takes my phone out of my pocket, flips it open and goes to my messages._

"_May I ask what you're doing?"_

"_SHUT UP!" he yells and slams my head into the desk._

_This is much unlike my fights with Shizu-chan..._

_I assume he's looking for someone I talk to frequently. "Shinra." he states and starts typing out a message._

"_W-what the hell are you doing?"_

_He slams my head into the desk again and I whimper, "I said shut up, I'm making this look like a suicide."_

_My eyes widen, "W-what!"_

"_Shut up, let's go, you're worthless now."_

Stupid Shizu-chan...always the cause of my problems.

I can't help but wonder why he wants Shizu-chan so badly, sure, Shizu-chan is pretty troublesome for me, but really he never gets into trouble...except for when I purposely get him into trouble.

I know that if I told him where Shizu-chan lived, I would have a slight chance at surviving this whole thing, and I should tell him because I hate him.

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.

Except I don't.

But I have to say I do, maybe if I say it enough I can convince myself to believe it.

But something like that doesn't change so easily.

Besides, if anyone'ss going to kill Shizu-chan, it's going to be me.

He's mine.

Still mine.

**~Shizu-chan's POV~**

Damn, damn, damn, damn...that annoying bastard flea!

Why the hell would he-!

Well I mean...he is a total suicidal mess, but still!

How inconsiderate, really it actually doesn't surprise me, such a selfish act for such a selfish creature. Suicide is a selfish thing, you hurt so many people around you, just to relieve your own pain.

But I heard that if you commit suicide, you go to hell.

So really nobody wins there.

I know I shouldn't care, I really shouldn't care, but it seems my body has a mind of its own these days. So here I am, running to get out of my apartment. I'm fully prepared to run all the way there, but I'm met with the deep rumble of Celty's bike.

I give her a questioning stare but hop on the back of her bike, knowing why she's here.

She steps on the gas and we're flying through Ikebukoro, she types something out on her phone and shoves it in my face.

_Shinra told me what happened, don't worry I'm sure we'll get there in time.  
><em>"Tch-what makes you think I care that much?"

_I'm not stupid Shizuo, you two are in denial._

I'm silent the rest of the way.

If only she knew.

He's the one that left...

it's not my fault.

We arrive in front of the building within about 5 minutes because of the speed of Celty's bike, I was thankful for that. Without her it would have been a little over 10 minutes which probably would have been too late.

I turn to Celty, "What exactly did the text message say?"

She types up something and shoves it in my face, "_He said, "I'm on top of the sunshine 60 building, I'm going to jump, don't come after me."_

I stared at the message in disbelief, it was very...unlike him. Usually he would have but that stupid little squiggly line thing after his sentences, and he would have had a more teasing message than this, something that resembled a riddle. He would never pass up a chance to stir up commotion and cause confusion with any of his "lovely humans."

No, the Izaya I knew would go out with a bang. In the message it seemed like he or whoever this was was trying to tone it down and keep the attention away from him. VERY unlike him.

It just didn't fit.

"That can't be from him..." I mutter to myself. Something was wrong, very wrong. I looked to the top of the building, and sure enough I could faintly make out the silhouette of someone teetering on the edge.

The image sent a jolt of adrenaline through me, my heart started pounding and once again I had no control of my actions.

Without another thought I turned and ran with full speed into the building and into the elevator to get to the roof.

I just about smashed the button that had the R next to it.

That minute and a half it took me to get to the top was the most agonizing, suspenseful point in my life. I clenched my fist and waited for the "bing"that would be his savior.

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**oookay, I had no idea how to end this chapter xD so the ending seems kinda rushed, I apologize. Please review! It really helps! It makes me update faster and it gives me more confidence in my writing so please please review! Thanks so much for all your support! Love to all~**

**I really enjoyed writing the fight scene between Izaya and mystery evil dude ^^ It was fun to write because even though I loooveee lovelove Izaya, it's also fun to watch him struggle since he's so confident in himself. Watching the mighty fall sometimes is always entertaining.**

**AH~ enough of my pointless ranting. Now stop listening to me and GO REVIEW!**

**Please?~**


	14. Chapter 13

**I apologize in advance for this chapter. OTL **

**Well I wanted to suggest a song that ya'll could listen to while you read, but idk what yo put xD I mostly listened to dubstep and techno remixes while I wrote this though, or you can just stick with the original Monster by Meg and Dia. -shrugs- oh well.**

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A bespectacled doctor, his white coat flapping around him as he lifts his head to the sky, watching the silhouette that is weak, so weak you can tell just by the shape of his shadow as he teeters on the edge of life and death. He watches with a smile on his face, for he knows that everything is going to be okay.

"Ne~They sure are a pair, aren't they Celty?"

The doctor turns to face the helmet-clad woman next to him, she gives somewhat of a nod and seems to be staring in the same direction as him.

Shinra puts an arm around the thin shoulders of the Dullahan next to him and stares down at her with adoring eyes, he can tell that she's shaken from this. She's worried about her friend Shizuo, and despite all that she's said about him in the past, he knows she's worried for Izaya too.

"Don't worry, I have a good feeling about this."

_I hope you're right._ She taps.

When I was 6 years old I was walking down a path. A brick path, my curious eyes were cast down, carefully examining all the cracks where the cement that was supposed to keep all the bricks together seemed to have just disappeared. I walked and walked and walked, I remember this so well because I remember the aching in my feet, the burning in my still developing legs, the tickle in my throat from thirst and the rumble in my belly from hunger.

But I didn't stop. I couldn't, I wouldn't. I would never turn around, I would keep walking along this path made with bricks who's only hopes of staying together abandoned them. I would keep walking because that's what I promised my mother.

A teacher at school once told me that this path would lead me to heaven. I promised my mother I would find her and bring her back, I would apologize for not being able to protect her.

I kept walking, for what seemed like days was really only an hour and half. Finally I came to a stop.

A large building towered over me, stain glass windows and intricate designs adorning the outside of the large building.

_This must be heaven _

I thought this because of the statue that greeted me as I stepped forward.

It was an angel, her arms were spread wide, a smile on her stone face, empty eyes staring back at me, but even though they were stone, they seemed to be looking right into my soul.

"Mom" I whispered, pretending, for just a moment that this kind stone figure was my beloved mother. I gently folded my small hands together and fell to my knees.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." I repeated these words over and over again with my eyes closed and my hands folded, tears running down my cheeks, my sobs now childish screams of anguish.

At some point my father had come to get me, since we were in public he made no move to strike me or scream at me, he gave me a look of disgust and roughly pulled me from my place at the angels feet.

As I left a screamed to the angel, I screamed, "Help me! Mommy please!"

"_Help me! Please!" _

"HELP ME PLEASE!"

"IZAYA!"

It all happened in a blur, and even though I knew it probably happened fairly quickly, everything seemed to move in slow motion for me.

The grip the man had on me loosened, he whipped his head around and started yelling a series of obscenities at whoever was behind us, I couldn't see unfortunately.

My hearing went out when I heard the gunshot.

Muffled sound was all I could hear, muffled yelling and cries of pain floated through my brain.

"Izaya!"

Was that my name?

Someone is calling it.

I hope it's my mother.

"HELP ME PLEASE!" I hear someone yell. Is it me?

The wind rushes past me and suddenly I'm leaning towards the sea of lights below me. My body begins to fall and everything in my mind turns to mush.

I feel nothing.

I hear nothing.

I can only see.

And I see that I have stopped moving.

My crimson eyes widen, feeling slowly returns to my legs, I feel them, they are light, not touching the ground.

They are dangling in the air helplessly. A sharp pain shoots up my right arm and I flinch, blinking twice and then I grimace. The wind is ruffling my hair, fear and adrenaline shooting through me. I feel a warm grip on my arm and somehow I know I've been saved.

Was it my mother? Was it my angel?

I don't realize I'm crying until I lift my head to see the face of the angel that has saved me.

My angel is crying too. My angel is bloody, blood trickles down the side of his face from a thin cut on his forehead, blood is dripping down his arm and seeping through his white shirt from a gushing wound on his left shoulder.

My angel is smiling. Hope and relief are present in his shining golden eyes.

The color of a familiar sunset that I haven't seen in quite some time.

"Shizu-chan."

It's a statement, not a question. I feel him as he pulls me up and back onto the roof with him. I lay on the cement ground and say nothing. I don't move for five minutes, and he just stares at me.

"You really are an idiot, ya know that Izaya?"

I roll my eyes but say nothing, I know my voice will betray me, it will betray the remorse that I'm hoping is present on my face.

I can't let him know that I'm happy.

"I broke your wrist trying to catch you." he says quietly. Ah, so that's the cause of this annoying pain shooting up my arm.

Shizu-chan looks down at my swollen wrist apologetically and his fingers hover over it, as if he wishes to caress me and take away the pain.

"I'm sorry." he apologizes.

I finally look at him, almost not believing those words.

Shizuo Heiwajima apologized to me.

And it warmed my heart.

Then I remember the blood gushing from his shoulder and I jump up, scooting over to him to get a better look at it. My trembling fingers hover over the spot that is soaked with blood.  
>"You were shot." I say. He nods, "Yeah that bastard had a gun in his pocket, oh that reminds me..." Shizuo digs down into his own pocket and pulls out my beloved flick blade, he dangles it in front of me like a tasty treat, and I stare at it lustfully like a small child would candy.<p>

He grins deviously and throws it off the roof. My eyes widen in disbelief.  
>"S-shizu-chan! What the hell? !" I scream, suddenly furious. "That was mine!"<p>

He's looking at me seriously now, "I still don't like you around sharp objects." he states. My heart lurches at his comment. I'm not able to believe that he just brought up the past, so I just tune him out, ignoring the aching in my skin, I want that blade now.

I give him my best glare and stand up with a huff, trying to ignore the trembling in my legs I move forward with shaky steps until I grow light headed and suddenly the world fades before me and everything is dark again.

Just the way it should be.

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**oh kami this is terribly short, I'M SORRY ugh, there was more to this but then I deleted it cuz it was getting to be a bit draggy and I just didn't like it, I apologize for my weak effort on the past few chapters, and I'm sorry I keep leaving you guys with these cliffys T_T  
><strong>

**Hopefully next chapters will be longer, the plot should start to pick up soon. The ending isn't _too_****but it's not like it's close either so just keep hangin on!**

**IM SORRY**

**please review! maybe it will speed up the process? Thanks to all those who have supported me! Love to all~!**


	15. Chapter 14

**HIIII! :D So, school's out and hopefully that means I'll start updating this story more , please don't think I've given up on this cuz I haven't! I've just had really bad writers block, but I'm trying! Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me and I love the lovely reviews! Keep em' coming! ^^**

**read, review, and enjoy~!**

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**~Shizuo's POV~**

_SMACK_

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

I was met with rusty wide eyes and a look of shock that slowly faded into an amused grin.

"My my, were you worried about me Shizu-chan?" He practically purred, "Have you been beside me all night?"  
>"Tch-shut up! You're an idiot!" I shouted, I wasn't really sure why I was so angry all of the sudden, I guess the initial shock finally set in.<p>

Izaya was out for two hours at least, and it was true, I had been sitting on the floor next to the couch that he was resting on in one of Shinra's back rooms.

My right shoulder was bandaged, the bullet hadn't gone too far in and honestly I didn't really feel it anymore. While Izaya was unconscious, I had been watching him.

But not because I wanted to! Shinra sent me in here to find something and when I caught a glimpse of his sleeping face I couldn't help but watch! It's his fault damnit...

I guess I was mad because while I was examining his peaceful face, I came to a realization.

It's completely useless to try and get over him, all my efforts have been a waste of my time. Damn flea...why can't I just forget about you?

Izaya groaned and stretched out with a yawn, rubbing his newly reddened cheek, "Shizu-chan why exactly are you angry? All I've done is sleep..." Silence filled the room, I could feel his eyes on me, examining me, but I kept my eyes fixed on a strange stain on the wall to my right trying to pretend like I didn't notice him burning a hole through my soul.

I flinched when my ears were met with shrill, maniacal laughter.

"Ahahhaha! Shizu-chan is so entertaining~!"

Anger shot through me, he was taunting me again, playing around with me. "What the fuck are you laughing for flea? Are you psycho?"

"You know me so well~!"

"...Whatever."

His laughter faded with a few quiet giggles, he smirked up at me, an evil glint in his eyes. "You still love me Shizu-chan."

The comment was whispered, he used a tone as if he knew this all along.

I said nothing, I couldn't, I was stuck in place, my cheeks red my heart racing. With a small giggle he lifted himself from the couch and made his way to the door.

"Well, all kidding aside..." He spoke loudly now, his amused grin was accentuated with the cold look in his eyes. "I don't love you, I never did. So it's pointless to continue feeling that way, after all, who could love a monster like you? Well, ja ne~"

He lifted his hand in the air as a wave and waited for a few seconds, an expectant smirk tugging at his lips, but soon his grin molded into a disappointed frown and he left.

I guess he was expecting me to lift up the couch, the table, or some heavy object and throw it in his direction, but I didn't. I just stared at him, looking straight into his rusty eyes, unable to be angry because for once all I could feel was the sadness, throbbing deep inside somewhere in my heart.

I guess he caught that look in my eyes, the look that said 'I'm shutting down'

Kasuka used to tell me whenever I got that look, he said it was like everything inside me had just given up and refused to give any sort of response. Like some sort of rebellion against myself.

"Tch-whatever." I mumbled to myself and plopped down on the couch pulling out a cigarette and placing it between my lips.

I hear Shinra fussing over something and then the door slams. I sigh to myself and sink further down into the cushions, puffing out smoke.

"Ugh! Shizuo! Please don't smoke in my home!" Shinra says, he rushes in with an annoyed sigh and plops down beside me and changes my bandages.

I let out another puff, "Whatever."

He mumbles something under his breathe but says nothing else. I can feel him looking at me, I know he can tell there's something wrong but I try and ignore him, keeping my gaze fixed on the floor.

"Shizuo-kun...you need a girlfriend."

I give him my best glare, "What the hell?" What a stupid thing to say, he's been my friend for a while, isn't it obvious to him that I'm not all that interested in girls?

He shrugs, "Or boyfriend?" I shake my head get up from the couch.

"Seriously Shizuo! I might even know somebody..."

"Not interested."

"Aww come on! He's really nice and I really think you-"

"No Shinra, please, can I just go now?"

The doctor gives up with a sigh and gives me an extra set of bandages before I leave. I know he only means best, but I can't even think about having another relationship right now, it would just mess with my head even more.

My head continues to throb as I pull out another cigarette.

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**Oh kami...I'm so sorry this is SO terribly short, but I'll make up for it in the next chapter**

**OTL**

**I'm having terrible writer's block so send me some beautiful reviews to inspire and lift my spirits! D: **

**btw: I'm going to try and reply some reviews more (if I remember lol)**

**Love to all~!**


	16. Chapter 15

**!*IMPORTANT*! ****I've updated the summary so I'd appreciate it if you would all read it if you haven't seen it yet! thanks~**

**Um, D: just thought I'd prepare some of you, there are mentions of rape in this, not too graphic but still, so if you're sensitive to that stuff don't read and don't flame me . **

**read, review, and enjoy~**

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**~Izaya's POV~**

"_You son of bitch!"_

The voice floated from a nearby alleyway, the sound of it bouncing off of the brick walls and traveling to my ears.

I stopped at hearing the sound, my eyes scanning the dark corridor. I saw three large figures and a thinner, slightly smaller figure cowering on the ground, surrounded by the three larger men.

A crack was heard and the smaller figure whimpered. A teenage boy it sounded like. My curiosity getting the best of me I crept forward to get a closer look.

From the looks of it the three men had jumped this young boy, the boy had tried to claw his way out of the situation judging from the scratch marks on one of the mans faces, he wasn't to happy about this and had punched to young teen right in the face, breaking his nose.

I leaned forward just a bit to get a better look, was school was that uniform from?

The man turned to his two companions and grinned, "What do ya think we should do to him Shiro?"

'Shiro' flashed a grin as well, his gaze traveling to the trembling boy beneath him. "I dunno' Kubo...he's seems kinda stupid, pretty worthless if you ask me."

The third man laughed loudly in agreement, "I say we have some fun with him."

Kubo chuckled, "What kind of fun Saru?"

'Saru' let out another laugh, "Haha, I think you know what I mean, we can all have a turn hm?" All three of them chorused together in a loud guffaw, the boy let out another whimper, I could just make out his trembling hands before the sound of ripping fabric and a pained screams filled the area. My eyes widened and I covered my mouth to contain my own screams at the sight before me. My own body trembling now I took a shaky step back from the alley.

S-should I...do something?

But I don't have my blade...and my wrist is broken. _Stupid Shizu-chan._

"St-,...op please!" the boy yelled, his voice was broken. He was met with nothing but more laughter. He screamed in agony as his insides were violated. My eyes widened and I let out a whimper.

Painful memories engulfed my mind, the sounds all too familiar to me.

"_Stop please!"_

"...stop..."

"_Daddy no..!"_

"Shut it bitch!"

_A cold blade pressed against my throat, "You better shut it or you're gonna regret it."_

The boy sobbed, his screams melted into pained whimpers, his breath was shallow.

_Curling up on the floor I pulled the coat he had left behind over my shoulders, sobbing into its fabric, breathing in the smell of my father and wishing that it wasn't such a frightening smell. Pretending for once that everything was normal._

The sound of rustling and laughter echoed out to me as the three men went on there way, leaving the boy sobbing into the night.

"...why?"  
><em>"...Why..."<em>

Shakily lifting myself from the ground I made my way over to the boy, he was curled up on the dirty concrete, shivering and sobbing quietly. His face covered with his school uniform jacket. Blood and semen coated the ground beneath him. Creeping closer I wiped the own tears from my face and reached out a shaky hand to uncover his face. I pulled the jacket away, he jumped with a scream and crawled away from me, his hands held out protectively in front of his face.

I felt bad, I really did. I could feel his pain, it was a gaping wound, a scar that would forever stain his soul.

Kneeling down I gathered the rest of his clothes and held them out to him. He didn't move, his eyes were squeezed shut, his head turned away from me.

I gently pried his hands away from his face so that he could look at me.

He shut his eyes tighter.

"Mikado."

He gasped and whipped his head to look at me.

"O-Orihara-san?"

With a solemn nod I handed him the shredded remnants of his clothes, he took them and hastily put them on. Shrugging off my jacket I draped it around his still trembling shoulders and helped him off the ground.

"W-where are we going?" he mumbled.

"I'm not here to harm you, I'm taking you back to my place." I told him, "I'll have a doctor check on you tomorrow morning."

His gaze lingered on me for a bit, trying to make sense of what was going on. I'm sure he'd heard from his little friend Kida about how heartless, how evil I was. I'm sure he was trying to wrap his head around the concept that I was Orihara Izaya and I was helping him instead of messing with his head.

After a moment he nodded and followed me obediently.

**~*O~*-~-~_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_~_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_~~_~~_~_~**

When we arrived at my apartment Mikado was still shaking.

"You can bathe now if you want or you can wait until tomorrow, either way I don't care." I said motioning towards the bathroom upstairs, "When you're finished the guest bedroom is down at the end of the hall, I'll find you a change of clothes."

"Orihara-san?" he mumbled.

I sighed, "Yes?"

"W-why are you doing this for me?"

Chuckling to myself I flashed him a sadistic grin, "Well I can kick you back out on the streets if you'd like, half-naked and bloody, it _has_ started to rain, maybe that will wash off all that dirt..." I responded. He blushed and looked at the ground shamefully, not quite sure what to say. After an other good laugh I inclined my head to whisper in his ear, "I wont explain myself, just take what you're given and be happy with it."

With another blush he nodded and mumbled a 'thank you' practically running up the stairs after handing me my jacket and apologizing. I rolled my eyes at the unnecessary apology but said nothing in return.

I stretched out my limbs with a yawn. What day was it again? I checked my phone, ah yes, Friday. I yawned again, it had been quite an eventful week and I was exhausted, not having slept properly in the past two days. After calling Shinra and laying out an old shirt and sweatpants for Mikado, I took myself to bed. Closing my eyes and praying that tonight I would be blessed with a deep, dreamless sleep.

~*~*~*0

"Well, nothing too serious," Shinra stated pushing up his glasses, "Just some slight tearing and bleeding, no signs of diseases, aside from the discomfort of the broken nose, but I bandaged that up so he should be fine."

I nodded, relieved. I was surprised at myself, being so caring. I told myself it was because I felt I could relate to him, although I wouldn't tell him my situation. I don't even know if I could find the words to...describe something like that much less think about it.

"Izaya, can I talk to you for a minute?" Shinra asked, giving me a serious look.

"I don't have time for-"

"Izaya. I'm serious."

With a sigh I waved him into the kitchen and sat down at the small dining table. I crossed my arms and leaned back expectantly. Shinra didn't sit, in fact he just crossed his arms and continued to glare at me.

"Stay away from Shizuo."

I let out a laugh and he flinched, "Was that a request or a demand?"

Now he was angry, "This isn't a joke! Do you realize how much you're hurting him?"

I smirked, "Me? Hurting _him_?" I chuckled, "As if anyone could hurt him, much less me, he despises me and I despise him, that's all there is to it."

"Then you should have no problem with just leaving him alone."

I scoffed, "How do you plan on making me do that?"

"Izaya you know full well that I can't _make_ you do anything." _hm, true, _"But to be honest I consider Shizuo more of a friend than I do you and I don't like to see him so depressed."

"Oh Shinra, how you wound me~" I said clutching my chest in mock hurt. He glared, "All I'm asking is that if you aren't going resolve these problems with him then please, just stay away from him." He stared at me expectantly, as if waiting for a response, I gave none. He gave up with a sigh, "Well I tried, I guess there really is no help for you." and with that he packed up his stuff and left, leaving a confused Mikado who had, despite our efforts to speak in private, heard everything we had said.

Making my way over to the couch I plop down next to the timid highschooler who flinches every time I so much as look at him. Staring down at his blushing face an idea forms in my mind.

A grin slowly spreading across my face I lazily throw my arms around the smaller boys shoulders.

"Mikado-kun?"

"Y-yes Orihara-san?"

"How long are you planning on staying here?"

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_**Sonya:**_Thank you so much~ yeah, I'm sorry about that . I try to make things clearer but sometimes FF decides to be an ass and takes out my little POV marks and things like that. Please note also that the scenes in italics are usually flashbacks from Izaya's or whoevers past. Thanks for the review~

**Authors note:**

**Wow...I'm uh, really afraid I'm going to lose readers after whats going to happen soon.**

**I hope that doesn't happen, just keep in mind this is all necessary for the ending which is actually, farther away than I thought**

**Anyway, please review, your feedback really does help and I don't feel motivated to write unless I know for sure that you guys are reading and enjoying and or hating this story xD**

**so please, REVIEW LIKE THE WIND**

**Love to all~ thanks to those who have been supporting me, it really means a lot.**


	17. Chapter 16

**Helloooo dears~ hope this isn't too late of an update. I have no excuses though D: sorry.**

**So, let's get on with it shall we?**

**Read, review, and enjoy~!**

**Oh and um heads up: **

**ITALICS= **their dreams, thoughts, and flashbacks.

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**~Shizuo's POV~(_dream)_**

_My fingers brushed cool metal, the chain links casting strange shadows on his face. Izaya stared at me through the fence, unmoving, his body was still but his eyes said it all. That cruel rusted glare was fixed upon me as I began to lean forward into the fence. His small frown turned into a grin and he turned away from me and started walking forward. I followed close behind, watching him every step of the way. Looking behind him I saw that we were on the roof of Raira Academy, and Izaya was on the other side of the fence, dangerously close the edge. _

_Our eyes met for a moment and he sped up._

_I struggled to keep up with his pace, my legs felt heavy and my body felt weak. Izaya seemed to notice this and he stopped, flashing me a small smile. At that moment an overwhelming feeling of desperation took over my heart and shot forward, rattling the fence. Izaya flinched at my sudden action and started backing away, his eyes wide. I desperately tried to tear down the fence but my strength failed me. My fingers bleed from trying to push my hand through the small openings. Izaya glances down at the small trickles of blood sliding slowly down my fingers and he gives me a look of disgust. My heart lurches and my mouth opens wide. I want to tell him how I'm feeling right now, the words are practically dancing on my tongue but this dream like world is restricting me. I try to scream out but it comes out in a small muffled grunt. Izaya flashes me a grin and begins stepping back towards the ledge. _

_I'm trying, trying so hard to reach him. He teeters on the edge and my heart nearly stops. His mouth is moving but I hear no words, his body is falling but when I scream his name it's too late, he's already hit the ground._

o0O0o

**~Izaya's POV~**

"H-how long?"

"Mm."

Mikado looks painfully confused, "Well, I um wasn't planning on staying."

I give a dramatic sigh and remove my arm from his frail shoulders. I mentally restrain myself from smirking at the thought that this is all going to be so easy. This timid boy is so easily influenced by his own emotions and those around him. He's almost the definition of human, maybe that's why I've always been so interested in him. I like the fact that he's so human it's almost painful at times, but yet he's still unpredictable in his own little way.

"But Mikado-kun..." I lean in just a bit closer so that my mouth is near his ear and my voice drops an octave lower, "I can't just send you out there alone in your condition."

Feeling him shiver I rub up the length of his arm seductively causing his pale cheeks to redden.

"O-Orihara-san?" he questions, but I block out his trembling voice, for I'm acting only on impulse now.

_Just what is your goal here?_

"Shh..." I mutter to myself and move my lips to the small boys neck earning a small gasp. Stroking his hand with my thumb I feel small goosebumps forming.

_How does this benefit you? _

My tongue darts out to tease the smooth skin earning another gasp, but one that is less contained. My lips find their way to his, my fingers slipping underneath his uniform jacket. He's hesitant at first, his lips pressed together tightly, but when my fingers move to tease the pink nubs on his chest, his lips part in a small moan and I take this opportunity to slip my tongue inside.

Soon melting into the kiss, Mikado wraps his arms around my neck. Smirking against his lips I push him forward so that he falls back onto the cushions of the sofa.

I don't see much of what happens next, although I'm the one instigating this my eyes are closed, all I can do in this moment is feel.

And it feels wrong.

But I keep moving despite the thoughts running through my head.

_You don't want this_

Heat is building, the sound of faint gasps and small moans fuels my actions.

_You don't want him._

"A-ah...Orihara-san..."

This voice is foreign, this body that I'm holding is different, lighter than I feel it should be.

_He's not Shizuo._

My hands stop their movement and I pull away from his grasp. I shiver as an icy feeling courses through my veins leaving a maddening numbness in its place.

Staring at the blushing boy beneath me and uncomfortable feeling washes through me, the sight before me is no longer arousing. My heart is beating too loudly for my liking so I stop breathing for a moment, my mind finally catching up to the situation I've put myself in.

Mikado eyes me skeptically, "O-Orihara-san?"

My gaze snaps back to him and a feeling of rage sets my body in motion. Jumping up I grab the small boy by the hair and fling him to the side. His body connects with a wooden coffee table and he lets out a pained yelp.

I turn my glare back on him and he cowers away from me, his eyes wide with terror as he stares up at me.

I'm sure he can see the insanity in my eyes.

"You'll be sleeping in the guest bedroom at the end of the hall upstairs." I tell him. His now teary eyes widen again, as if he'd just been sentenced to burn in hell for all of eternity.

I turn on my heels and make my way upstairs, slamming the door behind me. The sound rings like a gunshot in my ears.

o0O0o

_**~The next morning~**_

"Oh? You're still here?"

Waking up this morning I half expected for the younger boy to be gone after the incident that occurred the night before.

But to my surprise I found him in the living room this morning, sitting on the couch watching television. One might think he was relaxed but I could tell from the way his fists were clenched that he was expecting me to lash out at any moment.

Maybe he was too scared of me to leave.

I smirk at the thought.

He gives me a sideways glance and nods.

"Have you eaten anything?" I ask, recalling that it had been quite late when I brought him back last night and hadn't even eaten dinner myself.

"I-...um no." he replied and then flinched as if he thought I might explode. I let out a loud laugh at this and strolled over to him, wrapping my arm around his shoulders. I lower my lips to his ear, "Are you scared of me Mikado-kun?" I whisper darkly. His breathing is irregular now, he doesn't respond. My free hand that's resting on his thigh curls up, digging my nails into his skin rather sharply.

"What was that? I couldn't here you..."

"Y-yes." he stutters quickly, wincing at the uncomfortable feeling.

Pleased with myself I pull away from him, my menacing smirk turning into a polite yet obviously fake smile. "Don't worry Mikado-kun~" I purr, my lips brushing his lightly, "We're going to have lots of fun."

At that moment his eyes darkened as if all the hope he had left had been lost.

o0O0o

My eyes scanned over the boy walking slowly by my side, dressed in my clothes. He seemed to have relaxed a bit more since this morning and was pressed close against my shoulder to avoid bumping into the people around us.

His eyes were sad yet thoughtful, his eyes avoiding mine although he knew I was staring at him. He had told me earlier that he wanted to grab some things from his apartment and I, of course, insisted I walk him there.

I knew I was running a risk for running into a certain 'monster', but I couldn't just let this boy out of my sight after what happened this morning. The poor boy was probably traumatized.

I was starting to feel a bit guilty to be honest.

"Orihara-san," he stammers tugging on my sleeve, "It's this way, you're going too far."

"Ah."

But despite the guilt gnawing at me I just can't get rid of that feeling of satisfaction. The feeling of having so much power over something, the feeling of being in control.

If I believed in God I might think that he was apologizing for my hell of a childhood by finally giving me something to look forward to.

But then I remember what I've been through and the hatred I've witnessed in this world and I realize that God has already given up on the human race.

A grin spreads across my lips.

_And I'm just his replacement._


	18. Chapter 18: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Hello friends! I'm moving to another account! I've had this one for a while now and I think I'll only be keeping it because I have so much on this one. I'll only be using it to continue getting alerts for fanfics I'm currently reading and following.  
>I'm going to keep my stories up for now but they will be deleted soon.<br>As for Monster, How Should I Feel?

I plan on rewriting it. I'll keep it up here until I post the first new chapter on my new account.

Thank you all for your support and feedback! I hope to hear from you all again soon!


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